Nobody Like You

Thirteen - Secret

A week after the bullshit with Jabari and finding out my father's secret, I was still feeling depressed.  I went to school the entire week, not saying much of anything to anyone, and even skipped out on cheerleading practice.  I held my head down, my face hiding under the hood of my pink, gray, and blue Adidas logo jacket as I walked into Home Ec.
"What's up CeCe?"  Che yelled from across the room.  I threw up the deuces without even looking his way as I continued to my seat.
"Alright guys, settle down."  Ms. Santiago said as she entered the classroom, her big hips swaying with ease as she moved through the scattered students standing around.
"Okay, today you guys will be making tiramisu.  I will be splitting you up into groups of four.  Each group will have a different version of the recipe.  You will have an hour and a half to create you dish, and I will grade accordingly."
After Ms. Santiago assigned me to a group with Fire, Harlem, and Melanie, I grabbed an apron from the coat rack that was next to the island I sat at, and wrapped it around myself.
"Here.  Let me help you out."  Fire grabbed the strings of my apron from my fingers and tied them in a bow behind my back.
"Thanks."  I said, looking past him.
"You alright?"  He asked as he pulled a pair of disposable booties over his black and gold Balenciaga sneakers.
"I'm good."  I pulled out my cell phone, pretending to text someone so Fire could get the hint and stop talking to me.
"Why are you walking around looking ugly then?"
Did this nigga just call me ugly?!  "Did you just really call me ugly?"  I asked, wincing at him and trying to keep my cool.
"No I did not.  I said you are walking around looking ugly, frowning, not talking and mean mugging everybody.  Like you got a stick up your ass or something.  You've been like this for a week now, and it's not attractive.  Whatever is bothering you can't possibly be that bad love."
"Tuh!  I'm going through a lot of shit, so I have a damn good reason to walk around like this."  I spat.
"It can't be that bad though."
"You have no idea."
"Try me."
"Look Fire, I don't wanna – "
"Let me stop you right there."  Fire put his hand to my mouth to quiet me.  "Why is it that every time I try to talk to you, it's always 'Fire I don't wanna' or 'Fire I can't'?"
"Why are you always in my face trying to push up on me?!  I mean damn!  Fall back already!  If you don't like the responses I give you then stay the fuck out of my face!"  I shouted, grabbing everyone's attention in the room.  Fire paused, glaring down at me.
"Like I told you before – watch how you talk to me.  Don't you ever fucking yell at me like that again.  I'm not one of these thirsty, bum ass niggas that be up your ass all day every day.  I'm showing you genuine interest and I actually care about your stuck up ass.  You should be happy somebody cares enough to see what's bothering you, 'cause ya nigga obviously don't.  I normally don't give a shit or two fucks about what anybody else is going through, but I care enough about you to know and this is how you do me?"
"Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about you or your feelings nor did I ever ask you to give a fuck.  You are a problem for me so I think its best you go find a girl of your own and leave me alone.  I'm taken as I stated several times before."
From the anger flashing in his eyes, the flare of his nostrils, and the pressing of his lips, it was clear I hit a nerve in Fire.
"So, I'm the problem?  I'm the reason your eye is black?  I'm the reason you're angry and unhappy?"  Fire questioned, raising his eyebrows. 
I didn't respond.  Ignoring his questions, I turned towards the counter, picking up the tiramisu recipe and pretending to read it.
"You sure right Ciara.  Don't even trip though.  I will gladly leave you alone."  Fire remarked before walking away.  For the rest of class, Fire didn't so much as even look at me.  I don't know why, but I felt bad about the things I said to him.  I guess because I'm not usually a heartless and mean person.  That was the only way I could get him to step off.  I had a bad habit of taking my frustrations out on people, but in Fire's case, I did it to keep him away from me.  I didn't want to get too close to him, yet I didn't want him to be too far away.
I waited outside the classroom door after class for him to come out so I could apologize for what I said.
"Hey."  I said, grabbing his chiseled arm as soon as I saw him.  He let out heavy breath, snatching his arm from my grasp before turning to walk away.
"Will you please come here?  I have something I want to tell you."  I said, grabbing his arm again.  He paused before slowly turning to face me.
"What?"  His tone was impassive, his head cocked as he stared down at me.
"I apologize for what I said to you earlier.  I just have a lot of stuff going on right now, and I feel that talking to you or just hanging around you will make it worse for me.  I don't need any distractions in my life right now.  I have enough of those already."
"Wow."  Fire chuckled.  "First I was a problem, now I'm a distraction?  Really?  That's all you see me as Ciara?"  He asked with his eyebrows pinched together.
"No – yes – I don't know.  It just seems like every time I get around you, it makes things worse between me and Jabari.  I don't have any more time or patience for anything or anyone else in my life right now."
"Honestly, you could've kept your weak ass apology.  I'm not like none of these broke, bum, nothing ass dudes that go to this school who's gonna go along with your bullshit Ciara.  When I show a chick genuine interest like I've shown you, which is rare for me, it's real shit not bullshit.  I'm sorry if what I'm about to say hurts your feelings – actually – no I'm not sorry.  I'm gonna be real with you.  You're stupid as fuck to stay in a relationship with a nigga who don't do shit but treat you like a worthless whore.  You say I'm the problem in your relationship?  I think you're sadly mistaken.  Look in the mirror love.  You are the problem in your relationship."
I bit down on the insides of my cheeks to keep my emotions in control. 
"We've been together for four years, and I love him a lot."  I said, my voice cracking.  "He's my guy, and I'm going to stand by him.  He has a lot going on just like I do, and I know he doesn't mean the things he says and does.  It's just built up frustration and anger that he doesn't know how to express or get out any other way.  It's not all his fault.  I play a part in the madness too with all of my nagging and bitching.  He loves me and I love him and that's all that matters."
Fire vacantly stared at me, taken aback.  "So you're blaming yourself for his fucked up treatment towards you?  Do you know how ridiculously stupid you sound right now?  You're a damn fool if you think this is all you deserve."
I felt empty from Fire's words.  Is this all I deserve?
My stomach twisted in knots, and I felt like I was going to hurl everywhere.  Tears were fighting to get out of me, but I refused to let them fall. Everything Fire said hit home.  He was so right about it all.
"I'll be a fool for him."  I choked out before turning and walking away from him.
I was stupid.  Very stupid.  Jabari treated me more like a pet than his girlfriend.  Always kicking me around and talking to me like I was beneath him or not worthy of respect.  But did I want to start over with someone new?  The fear of not knowing what the next person would be like is part of what kept me with Jabari.