DESIDERIUM

three

That moment the door opens and when I look up, two dark gazes meet mine and then wander down to where my shirt is lifted up, one face changing into something softer and the other remaining just as stoic as it always seems.

Not expecting my mates to walk in like that, I pull the shirt down and swallow inaudible, my heart beating fast in my chest once again.

Thankfully Adrian clears his throat and starts talking.

"We do not have a room for two. Tristan gets the only empty bedroom. Rafael... your uncle was so kind and said he could take you in."

Well, now I wish he wouldn't have opened his moth at all.

My stomach had just made at least two turns.

"Are you-" Tristan stops mid-sentence, taking a breath, "are you fucking kidding me?"

His words cut through the room and I feel like I can't breathe, my face probably white as a sheet by now.

"No. No, he won't," Tristan continues, shaking his head, voice stoic and body tense.

Looking down on my hands, I can see them shaking and I ball them into fists, trying to calm myself down, my wolf down and not- not fucking panic.

"We don't have any more rooms-"

"And you think putting him in the same house as-" he interrupts the alpha male, only to stop again mid-sentence, because he doesn't want to say it.

That I paralyzed my own uncle.

So I speak up for him, "-as the person whose life I ruined. Put in a wheelchair."

After said person abused me for years. Something that I didn't tell anyone, not even Tristan.

It feels like someone threw a bucket of ice-cold water on me. My breath gets back to normal, my heartbeat steadies, and even my hands stop shaking.

I know what's happening. The feeling. The numbness.

Nobody knows what to say, but I can practically hear their thoughts.

A monster. He's a monster.

I'm a fuck-up.

"We're sorry but there's nothing we can-"

This time Levi gets cut of by Tristan, making Adrian growl slightly in a protective manner and I just look at them, asking myself if I really do deserve all this.

"Aren't you the Alpha and the Luna of this pack? And you're telling me you can't find any place for him to sleep at? You know how much of a trigger that would be for him?"

The only thing really blooming in my chest is gratefulness, for having Tristan here with me right now.

He doesn't even know why I did, what I did to my uncle, and yet he's here, standing up for me.

That's honestly the only thing that gives me a little hope in this hopeless situation.

Adrian's the one that speaks up this time, not happy.

"First of all: Don't you dare interrupt us again. You're on our territory now and you show respect to us. Secondly, as we mentioned before, there is no place-"

"He can sleep in our house."

For a second everything is quiet, all of us just staring at Levi with open mouths. Well, not literally but it's the first time today that Adrian's stoic mask slips, and he looks at his mate wide-eyed.

And I'm not sure whether sleeping with them in a house is better than going back to my Uncle's. I think I couldn't decide even if my life depended on it.

"Levi..." Adrian seems hesitant, but Levi seems sure.

His eyes lock with mine and for a second I seem to forget everything around us, all the shit that's happened and the circumstances we're currently in, and honestly? All I want to is for Adrian to agree, so we can live together and live the life I imagined for us, basically since the first day I saw them and-

"It's better for all involved. Our wolves won't go crazy by not being with each other-"

And that's when the bubble bursts and I am confronted with the harsh reality as so often before in my life.

Of course, it's not because of me.

A quiet snort escapes my mouth and all eyes turn to me, making me cover my face with my hands.

"I'm sorry... just," I try to stop the laughter coming from my mouth but it isn't really working, "just con... continue with the conversation."

I wave my hand in the air as a sign for them to start talking again, but they don't.

"Rafael..." Tristan says concerned, maybe a little confused and a long sigh escapes my lips.

"I'm fine. Fine. Sorry," I shake my head and start picking at my nails.

Then I sigh and stand up, not without wincing a little because of the wound.

Adrian and Levi seem to be talking with each other through the mind link now, but Adrian's gaze follows me anyway as I walk to the chair in the corner, where my pants and my hoodie are laying.

The grey hoodie has blood on it, as does my shirt, but I don't care.

I don't really care about anything. Or I wish I wouldn't. Because this shit doesn't just make me anxious as fuck, but it also hurts like hell.