Hands Of Love

24- i cant remember

I woke up being carried by my father. I let him put me down before I didn't recognize where I was.

J- where are we?

D- we are just walking honey. You're okay.

J- what happened after we got beth?

D- nothing we've just been walking

He said and I countiued to ask questions. I felt out of it. Like I hadn't been awake since we got Beth.

D- why are you asking so many questions about what has been happening?

J- dad..I can't remember certain things..I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm freaking out.

D- hun what do you mean you can't remember anything?

J- I just can't remember. I can only remember up till we got Beth. I can't remember anything else till now? Have I been awake??

D- yes but you've been slightly out of it. No one has said anything cause we thought it was the terminus thing

I shook my head no.

J- what's happening to me?

I asked my hands were now in my hair. I was panicking. My breath seemed to catch in my throat. I couldn't really catch my breath anymore. Everything was spinning. I stopped in my tracks and held my head. Maybe this caught people's attention because suddenly everyone else stopped too. I was embraced by someone and they started to hum. It was my father humming this old song we used to sing together. Not old. Just from Harry Potter. He used to sing it to me when I couldn't go to sleep.

After awhile of just playing with his jacket. I realized I was normal breathing. Tears fell as I just stayed in his arms. He contiued to hum to me till he finished the song. I didn't feel safe to myself or anyone around me.

J- I don't feel safe to myself or anyone around me dad. I don't think it's a good idea to be around everyone all at once. What if i..I...

D- no honey. Don't push me away. Okay. Please. Remember you can be scared but never let it get to you. Never let fear stop you from doing anything.

I nodded and he handed me his flannel. I put it on and we contiued to walk. I kept my head down. What is wrong with me. What if it was from the prison. No because then it would've happened sooner. I felt kind of spaced out so I started to whisper the words to the song.

J- rejoice...rejoice.

No one was listening to me. So i was being quiet. I played with the bottom of his flannel

J- hey  little train, we are all jumping in

I don't know if anyone understood what was going through my head. Maybe if I just ran.

J- the train that goes to the kingdom

Maybe it's safer for everyone else if I just

J- we're happy, pa, we're having fun

I always changed it to PA instead of MA because Daryl is my dad. Always thought it sounded better.

J- and the train ain't even left the station

I paused in my walking seeing something shiny.

J- hey, little train, wait for me

I guess everyone saw what I did. Bottles of water. The note said something that freaked everyone out. No one drank the water. Well Eugene did and it was slapped out of his hand quickly. I picked one up and said.

J- what a fucking pussy

I took a sip and it was fine.

D- JENNIFER DIXON! I'm gonna beat your ass

My dad scolded. He snatched the water from me and I whimpered at his fast movements. I've never flinched at my dad. Suddenly rain started to pour down. I spaced out as we found a little barn to stay in. I kept Judith calm with my humming. Carl was sitting next to me. My dad hasn't tried to come near me and everytime he is he's slow with movements.

I was walking around keeping Judith distracted. I stopped but contiued to rock her in my arms.

D- she's never ever flinched at me Rick. Something happened and she's not telling us

R- or maybe something happened but she doesn't remember it because I'd this issue. Or maybe she's just freaked out by the forgetting thing

D- she thinks she's danger to everyone around her.

I walked away and gave Beth the baby. I sat down on the hay.

C- what's wrong

J- I feel physco. I feel like I'm going to burst. When I do it won't be good.

Carl kissed the side of my head not saying much. The storm was getting  worse. It's like I could hear my dad whispering about me to Rick. I spaced out. The wall was becoming slightly blurry. I knew whatever was happening to me was about to happen. How do I stop it.

My leg bounced up and down anxiously waiting for whatever is about to happen. I waited for it. I knew it was going to happen. No one was watching me. Did anyone actually care though? I hummed the stupid little song. I was angry. Sad? Mad? Maybe a mixture? I grabbed the knife out of my shoe and started to carve into the wood of the barn. At some point I didn't realize I was starting to carve into my arm. 

"Jennifer!"

Was stated loudly. I snapped out of it. I looked at Carl and then where he was looking. My eyes left his shocked face and landed on my arm. I carved the word 'Burden'.

The pain finally set in and I grabbed my arm dropping the knife. A tear left my eye before i scrambled to stand up. Carl grabbed the knife away from me and hollered for my father. He came sprinting and I covered myself from him. He was pointing. Everything seemed to blurry.

I couldn't seem to catch my breath. Everything seemed to be spinning. My hands were shaking and I backed away from everyone who was surrounding me. I was in a corner. Everyone was going in and out of focus. 

My hands fell to the wall and I looked around. Suddenly Glenn was in front of me. I reached for him and he grabbed ahold of me.

"It's okay..You're okay..deep breaths for me jen."

He whispered and I held onto him tightly. I don't remember anything. Black. Its all I remember.