The Flying Dreams

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

It was the first time I had been alone with Vivek, mostly Divya stayed around, and I never had to put another thought to it but a boy who wasn't my brother or blood-related cousin was sitting right beside me and we were humming along to the 90s Bollywood songs, what would my mother say if she saw me? Her face, wrinkles around the eyes and lips pressed into a thin line flashed before my eyes and the image hurt my whole body and the shock forced me to shift on my side a little more, suddenly mortified to be in the situation at all. The cold metal touched the back of my hand and I shivered.

"Are you cold? Should I turn up the heat?"

His free hand reached for the button, and I made a noise of refusal and realized after he gave me a strange look that I had to actually speak.

"No, it's fine."

I could just tell by the awkward nod of his head that the same thought was going through his head as well and I was only making it even more uncomfortable by being weirdly silent and facing away from him, so, I shut my eyes for a second and the picture of my mother blurred around the edges but didn't completely disappear. Her angry gaze remained which had me clench my fingers on the straps of my bag. I cleared my throat, he briefly glanced at me.

"How is your preparation for the exam?"

Vivek laughed and shook his head as if the question couldn't be more stupid. In the meantime, I stared out the window. The blazing bright lights of the shops by the street seemed like a fairy dream one moment and then a blur. My mind stayed back on Shifa's flat and the low, melodic voice of Atif Aslam filled the silence. In the end, I watched as he turned up the heat before responding.

"It's going okay. And I assume you're already far ahead?"

I giggled, "Yes."

Despite my initial discomfort, the ride to Shifa's flat went smoothly once I actually treated him as someone, he called himself—my friend. The traffic was clear, and we had made it quite early. Vivek said it would normally take more than an hour but as I checked the time on my phone, only 56 minutes had passed since I left Divya's hostel. I tried to ask if he wanted to come inside, a formal invitation that we both knew was not sincere and he only snorted in reply and with a final good night, got inside the car and drove off. I watched until the white car completely disappeared from my sight. The wind was freezing and sharp, reminding me to pull my shawl tighter around my shoulders. As quietly as possible, I padded inside the building, carefully stepping on the tiled stairs. I had never been out in the night and wondered how Shifa could be able to see through her way in the dark hall. All the lights on the wall were off and I had to light up my phone's flashlight. Once I made it to the third floor, I raised my fist to knock on the door but then remembered the time. Turning my phone around to check the accuracy of my guess and sure enough, the numbers in it read 1:32. Of course, if Shifa was sick, no way would I be of any help by disturbing her so late. And with a self-assured nod to myself, I fished out my key to the flat from my bag. It was troublesome work since all the content of my bag were never in an organized place and twice, I grabbed the spare pair of earphones but at last, the key was held between my fingers and with a sudden jerk, the door opened.

All the worries and concerns I had endured and given to my friends for free weighed heavier than ever. I had been left in a paralyzed state before and there was nothing I wanted more than to hit myself with something solid and heavy, just so I could forget the scene I witnessed upon my arrival. I had fancied myself to be a good roommate and even a better future cousin-in-law by rushing home to check up on Shifa and there she was, not alone and certainly not sick. How could a sick girl be kissing another? In their own home on the sofa? No, of course, no she couldn't. Shifa was hovering over the girl whose face was hidden by her shoulders, her short hair falling about her forehead, making a small curtain around her face and her palms were placed on the sofa seat, and the girl beneath her was leaning up on her elbows to meet Shifa halfway.

I didn't recall making any noise but the suddenness of Shifa's move as she stared at me, her whole face screamed horror was a giveaway that I must have uttered something. A gasp of surprise perhaps or maybe a sob of reality. My eyes refused to stay on the two and roamed around the space, until I found her phone laying on the floor with face down and I suddenly started to feel like a major fool, thinking she was sick and in need of assistance when she was doing nothing but having her fun. She probably was happy to be alone, my constant presence in her space was gone and she took the opportunity. And all I did was bring myself back into her personal break from me. Not helpful, I assumed.

"Adia. You're back."

I tried to say something, an apology for intruding but all I could utter at last was a humiliating, broken, and hefty, "Yes."

What was I supposed to do then? How could I move? I had no idea, so I stayed rooted on my feet and hoped I would open my eyes in my own room, back home and wake up by my mother's loud call to prepare for morning prayer or by Zoya's shrieking voice in my ear whenever she stayed overnight. Anywhere but where I had to face Wahab's cousin. Shifa made a show of getting on her feet, straightening her hair with a single hand while the other remained deep in her hoodie pocket and the unnamed girl sat up. I didn't have time to register her expression, my eyes stared at Shifa. And in return, without a bit of shame, she stared back. As if I was the one caught in the middle of committing an unforgivable sin.

"You should get back to your room," she nodded toward the door of my room and after I let out a small breath, audible and full of mockery at her impudence, she added, explaining apparently, "It's late."

There were a dozen things I wished I had said to her. Made her feel equally guilty or maybe a sarcastic remark to humiliate her but I couldn't do that. Not when my ears rang with the loud sound of my heart falling and breaking into pieces. I nodded like an obedient girl I had always been, no matter how much I hated being subservient to everyone around me but still listening to the commands and walked to the door, my steps quicker than my heartbeat and head hung low, only after I closed the door did I dare shed a single tear. Why was I crying, I didn't know, all I knew was that I wanted to lay down on my bed and cry until my eyes no longer could.