Open Minded

7

Riley

It's been a week since we found out. Turns out I'm already 20 weeks along and I had no idea which means by the time this wedding rolls around I'll be 32 weeks so us jetting off isn't an option. Instead Grey James and I are going to go somewhere local for some family time 

When I found out that I was that far along, the mum guilt instantly set in
It's been 20 weeks and I was non the wiser. I'd been drinking, skipping meals, doing all the things that is frowned on during pregnancy 
What if I've hurt the baby? What is something was to happen to them? Would it be all my fault? 

"Ri?" I hear James call coming up the stairs, I was quick to wipe any reminisce of tears before smiling at him as he walked inside
"What's up?" I asked folding some of Greyson's clothes
"I just wanted to check on you, you've been up here for more then an hour" He said placing his arms on my waist, I smiled up at him
"Of course I am" I lied 

James narrowed his eyes at me while he looked deep into mine
"Riley, I know you well enough to know when you're lying" James said and I rolled my eyes placing Greys clothes into the draws
"Ri come on, talk to me" James asked but I shook my head before looking at him
"I'm going to go for a drive. Do you want me to take Greyson?" I asked and James looked at me even more confused
"No no Riley come on. Don't shut me out" He said coming closer

"James, I'm okay. I just need some thinking time" I said and his expression was still full of worry
"Then let me come. I'll just sit there in silence" He said and I shook my head
"Do you need me to take Grey?" I asked
"No but I need you to take me" he said but I shook my head once more before heading downstairs with James in tow

"Last chance, is Greyson coming or not?" I asked seeing him already preoccupied in the living room
"Ri please" James said now earning everyone's attention
"James, I'm not asking again" I said 
"No Grey can stay with us" He said and I nodded before turning to head to the door

James was swift to follow me outside but it wasn't going to help either of us to be honest
"Riley please stop this. I know what this is about and I don't want you stuck in your head" James said as I got to our car
"James please, this is already a lot. Just give me some time to figure it all out" I said turning to look at him
James' expression was still full of worry
"Promise me one thing" He asked and I nodded
"Come home" He said and I sighed knowing where he was coming from

--

It's been 4 hours since I arrived at the beach, I parked up the car on the seafront before getting out and sitting on the hood
The breeze from the waves was almost calming
Am I really ready to be a mum of 2?

When I found out about Greyson, I won't lie. I didn't react how you would expect, I panicked.. I was scared that I wasn't going to be a good mum and I can't help but feel the exact same again 
I mean look at how it's started. I didn't have a clue.. 

What kind of mother is that 

I sighed knowing that in a matter of weeks, everything changes again
We all know that I don't like change, I like having all the answers, I like having structure, I like to plan as much as I can

I'm not spontaneous, I'm not a thrill seeker. I'm a perfectionist

Obviously, it'll probably all turn out just fine and in a matter of months this will all seem so stupid but right now? 

The guilt is going to continue to eat me alone until eventually I explode..