Write Something Today Even If It Sucks

Saturday January 3

I will never understand why people have to go about their lives stressing here and there, filled with worry and anxiety, and filled with so much emotion at times that they can go over the edge. I hate to think about people who believe that they have no part in this world, that they mean nothing. Life can be hell sometimes, yes, but taking away a life that was beautifully created? You can look for the good things in life. Sometimes, it may not work out that way, but then again, there's always a way if you make one.

I start school this Monday. Thinking about walking into a school building filled with a bunch of hormonal teens such as myself makes me nauseous. I guess you could say I'm stressing out. I've never been this worked up over something. I keep thinking, "Hey, maybe it won't be that bad," but I keep second guessing myself. The incident at the mall yesterday made me realize that maybe I'm not ready to face groups of critiquing teens, criticizing adults, and everything that follows. I don't understand what i felt yesterday. That "attack" was something I've never experienced before, maybe it was a one time thing. I think I've made myself believe that I would walk out into the world, after mostly being secluded from society, and become a social butterfly. I'm starting to second think that thought as well...

Today is going to be one of those days that I don't know what to do with myself. I have made it from my bed, to my stereo, to the kitchen, and back to my bed all day today. I wonder if any girl my age could last as long as I have, 11 years, to be exact, stuck in a house almost all day, everyday. Well, with the exception of grocery and shopping runs, which don't happen often. Lou and Diana go to work everyday, 6 in the morning until 6 in the evening. You may look at my situation and ask how I survive through it, honesty, I'm not sure. I actually find it quite calming. I like to walk around the house and pretend that I'm having conversations with my "best friends" or put myself in a social experiment and test myself to see how I would respond. The funny thing is, I don't think I could actually fulfill my experiments if I was actually to experience one. For example: One night, I had the house to myself. I was pretending that I was at a party with a bunch of my friends. There was alcohol, drugs, loud music and sounds, and everything that goes on behind the scenes of high school parties. I was talking to a guy that I have a crush on, when a girl came up and started screaming in my face, yelling at me for talking to her boyfriend. I then paused and though about how I would deal with this situation. I calm the girl down and politely ask her to forgive me. I then proceed to tell her that nothing happened and wasn't going to happen between me and my make-believe "crush". I then walk out of the party. Situation taken care of, right? The thing is... my reaction didn't make me happy, I felt, I'm not sure... like I didn't fulfill anything. Even in my imagination, I didn't deal with a situation that made me feel some sort of accomplishment. Wow, I'm pathetic.

Diana and Lou are now back from work. They burst through the door on the verge of being tipsy. I never go out into the living room unless I have to. That's where they set up their "Table of Happiness" which consists of: many different kinds of alcohols, drugs of different kinds, pipes and smokes, and all of the above. I came to the conclusion that they do all of this so wind down after a long day of work. They only do this between the times of 9-11 in the evening. Honestly, I could just call the cops and get them arrested for how much they drink and the variety of drugs they use in the presence of a 15 year old girl. But honesty, I could care less. They might actually be the ones that go off the deep end before I do.

I sit in my room, while currently writing in this thing. I don't exactly understand why I'm keeping up with this. I guess I'm starting to grow an attachment to it. Even if it was stupid Lynn's idea, it was one of her only good ones. I feel like I can let everything out in this thing, but I could be leaving everything out and telling you the smallest of details. Then again, maybe I want to keep things from this, maybe I don't want this thing to know everything about me even if it seems that way. When I think about it, this is my only friend, this is the only thing I trust, maybe I can trust this thing more than I think I do. Well, we'll see about that...

Social anxiety is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.

A/N: Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading! I love getting messages, comments, and votes! Everything means the world to me. I always appreciate feedback on what I need to fix or what you guys like about this story. I try to update everyday. So, I hope you guys continue reading my story. Please, please, please keep up the votes and feedback! Thank you guys so much. xox