Write Something Today Even If It Sucks

Thursday, January 1

Dear Disastry,

I've been going to therapy ever since both my parents left. Yeah, i know, I know... you can try and give me sympathy or whatever, it doesn't really help. I didn't even know my parents. I was like 4 when they left.
I don't know what I even feel towards my 'parents', if i can even call them that. They haven't been here for the past 11 years, why should I care? I'm an only child, I might have siblings, but how should I know?

My therapist tells me I suffer from depression. No, I don't cut my wrists, starve myself, have suicidal thoughts, ect. My therapist says that I keep all my emotions stored up someplace inside of me. I don't' think it affects me in any way, I feel normal, I feel like a 15 year old teenage girl. Apparently, my therapist, Lynn, thinks and sees different. So what, I'm not good with my feelings? Who is there to spill my feelings to anyways?

I've been home schooled ever since I was placed with my guardians. My guardians are the closest people to me, even though they're far from it. I don't hate them, they're the closest people I've ever had to parents. Let's just say they suck at being 'parents'. My 'mama' is named Diana. My 'pa' goes by the name Lou. I call them by their names. If they haven't given me any respect, why should I give them respect? They sit up through the night drinking, smoking, drugs, anything they can get their hands on. I usually climb through my window and sit out on the roof to get away from the stench of mixed cigarette smoke, alcohol, weed, and whatever else they're getting high off of.

Once in a while I might slip a cigarette or two out on the roof. I sit out there in the cool winter wind. I like to escape, to get away from everything in the house and everything in the world. I wouldn't say I have a bad life. I don't see it that way as everyone else that were to see the situation I'm in may see it. I have clothes, I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head, I have two people that may not give a damn about me, but at least try, and I have this thing, this disastry. I may not have wanted to start writing in this thing because it was recommended by my therapist, Lynn. It might not actually be as bad as I thought it would be.

I heard Lou and Diana talking today. They were talking about putting me into a public school. shit. May I add, I have been home schooled for 11 years. There's no way I'm going to a public school. They're crazy. Then again, I can't really do anything about it, Once Lou and Diana decide on something, that's it. I don't really care, it can't be that bad, right? Walk down some halls, open and close a locker all day, sit through several classes in a desk, I don't even have to make contact with anyone if I don't want to. I don't think I would get bullied or anything. I may not be the prettiest or outgoing girl, but I can tolerate a little and if I ever have to I can handle myself.

I don't really have any friends. I've never really had any contact with anyone outside of my house. I used to go outside once in a while when I was younger. All the neighborhood kids would stay away from me. They weren't afraid of me or anything, but I was known as "the girl that always stayed inside".

All the kids in the neighborhood would be outside all day everyday. I would just sit on the edge of the couch that was pushed up against the big, rectangular landscaped window. All the neighborhood kids knew that I existed, but none of them ever rang my doorbell or knocked on my door.

The few times I did go outside there was this one kid.. I never knew his name. He would always come up to me, grab my hand, and we would just sit in the grass along the curb a little ways down from my front yard. We didn't even talk much. I never bothered asking his name and he never bothered asking mine. I never knew why he would comfort me in such a way. I don't even know if he still lives in my neighborhood, but his comfort is something I've held on to growing up. We may have been small and may not have understood feelings. When we were laying in the grass, fingers intertwined, I knew at the youngest age of 5 that I felt some kind of emotion that at the moment I never fully understood what it was. I now know that what I felt in those small moments and that small touch was love. No, I wasn't in love with this boy, I was 5 years old! But, that's the closest thing to love I've ever felt in my life. I never received that emotion from anyone, that's probably why it felt so odd to me when I was with him.