Write Something Today Even If It Sucks

Friday, January 2

Today I woke up to Diana nagging me to get up. She told me that I need to hurry and get ready because we're actually going out of the house for once. I got up and threw on some sweats and a sweatshirt, I threw my hair up in a messy bun. I stopped in front of my mirror to take in my appearance. I always regret looking into a mirror. I always wonder to myself who it is I see in the mirror. There's always negative thoughts going through my head of whoever it is on the other side of the mirror. I take in their long, wavy brown hair, the thickness of their thighs, the curves of their body, their figure, their small, curved lips, tiny nose, and their bright green eyes. I turn away from my mirror quickly after being yelled at by Diana to hurry into the living room. I leave with the question, "Who was that?" replaying over and over in my head.

Diana took in my appearance once I came from my room. She gave a snort and walked out the door. This lady honestly has no respect. I walk out the door. Once I close the door behind me I take in the faint scent of winter. I don't see anyone outside and I wasn't planning to. We hop into the car and drive off to the mall. Yay, public.

Once I walk through the mall doors, I regret it. I take in everything around me at once; I hear the faint cry of a baby, the yells of a man on a business call, the laughter of kids, and the chatter of happy teenagers shopping around me. I keep my head down and walk along side Diana. We go into the first shop that we see, a place called What's New. We walk in and I'm immediately blinded by all the shades of color in this place. They have cute clothes, I guess. I see a bunch of girls my age talking and grabbing stuff off of the shelves and racks. I kept my distance from any kids my age. I walked across the store and started looking through the racks for clothing that I might actually wear. Here goes nothing.

Diana kept pulling things off of hooks and telling me to try them on. She handed me a pair of black leggings and a loose sweater. I go into the changing room and stop and stare into the mirror opposite of the door. I take in my expression. What expression do I see anyways? I can't tell. What am I even feeling right now? I look down at the ground and throw on the leggings and sweater. I look back into the mirror. I take in every inch of my body. This sweater is comfortable and I feel light for some reason. The sweater brings out my eyes and I actually think I see a hint of sparkle in my eyes. I quickly look away and change back into my sweats. I'm breathing heavily and shaking as my hand reaches the door knob. I make my way through the line of people at the dressing rooms back to Diana. I throw the clothes in the cart and walk out the store.

Diana and I shopped forever. She kept pushing me to try stuff on and basically bought everything that she liked for me. I don't mind anyways. I pretty much got what I wanted. My shopping bags that hung from my limp arms were mostly filled with leggings, jeans, baggy sweaters, T-Shirts, and mostly comfortable clothing. I was so happy when we left the mall. I probably wouldn't have lasted another minute in that place. Towards the end of our shopping I started feeling claustrophobic. I begged to leave, but Diana apparently wasn't done. I grabbed some clothes, threw them in the basket, and ran up to the check out. I felt like I was going to faint, I needed to get out of the building, away from people. Eventually, I started shaking and breathing heavily. Diana slapped me across the head and told me to get out of here and that's exactly what I did. I basically ran out of the shop, across the mall, and out the doors to the car. whoops.

Diana eventually made her way out to the car. We sat in the car for about an hour as she yelled at me saying that I have problems, I need to go to a hospital to help me, that I'm a screw up and don't belong in the world, and blah blah blah. I get this so often from Diana, I don't even bother to listen anymore. I usually block her out until she starts hitting me, again. After my 'beating session' I ended up with a cut on the lip and a couple of bruises. Diana put the key into ignition and sped off towards the house.

I was so glad to be back at the house. I took all my bags to my room and shut my door. I started pulling out all the clothing that Diana basically picked out for me and threw them in my drawers and closet. I grab this thing and lay on my bed. I don't understand what happened to me at the mall today. I've never freaked out that much being out in public. I've never felt anything like it before. I started shaking uncontrollably and breathing really heavily. Diana signed me up to go see Lynn an extra day this week for my 'issues', yay.

I faded in and out of sleep, being disrupted by Diana and Lou's yelling from the living room. I heard something about me, but I don't bother listening. They usually fight about me anyways. Diana has been trying to send me to a mental hospital, but Lou is waiting until I go off the deep end. I think Diana actually agrees with him. What they don't know is, I never will.

Panic disorder: An anxiety disorder that is characterized by sudden attacks of fear and panic. Panic attacks may occur without a known reason, but more frequently they are triggered by fear-producing events or thoughts, such as taking an elevator or driving. Symptoms of panic attacks include rapid heartbeat, strange chest sensations, shortness of breath, dizziness, tingling, and anxiousness. Hyperventilation, agitation, and withdrawal are common results. Panic disorder is believed to be due to an abnormal activation of the body's hormonal system, causing a sudden 'fight or flight' response. Treatment involves cognitive behavioral therapy, using exposure to effect symptom reduction, and use of medication.

A/N: hey, I realized that my paragraphs were super long for my first chapter. It's because I typed it on my computer and it showed up okay, but when it's read on phone's it appears super long. I tried to break my paragraphs up more. I hope you like this chapter. Nothing big really happens, but still hope you liked it! Please please please give me feedback in the comments and vote! Thanks so much xox