Ascension - Book Eight - Man x Man

Chapter 36

"It's s'fine. I feel.... good." Looking at his hands, he quickly closes his fists, "Just stop touching me." Pushing away, he attempts to stand, only to scramble into the bookshelf, sending the whole shelf cascading onto the ground. "I don't want to. Just leave me alone." I reach for him and he quickly stumbles away. "Why are there two of me?!"

"Randy, take Caspian and send the medical crew. You both need to get a grip and stop triggering him." I command him quickly, between Caspian's selfishness and Verando's self-loathing, the youth truly had no one in his corner but for me.

"I'm Randy!" The young man snaps, desperate for validation.

Verando's lips part but he stops himself, grabbing Caspian's arm and shoving him out the door. I can't risk anyone else harming this poor youth, there was nobody else I trusted with him but me. "Hey. It's okay." I whisper, keeping my voice soft as I hold out my hand to the trembling man. His chest heaves, watching the pair leave. "They're gone."

Sliding back to the floor, Randy slides his knees to his chest, thumping the back of his head against the bookshelf with a look of despair. "Damn it." He curses, shutting his eyes tightly as his palm pressed to his forehead. "Why. Why am I like this?"

"You're not like anything," I tell him firmly, carefully moving to rest on my knees. "I'm going to get you some help."

Crawling towards me in a quick move, he shoves me onto my back, straddling my hips. "I don't need help. This is what everyone wants, right? Stop trying to save me and just do what you need to do already." He must think I'm Caspian, the way he looks past me, there is no life behind his words. I place my hands carefully by my side, unwilling to give him any leverage. 

"I don't want that from you. I want you to be better."

"Why is everyone convinced there is something wrong with me?" Sitting on my hips, he crashes his hands against my chest, gripping my shirt. I'm impressed by his strength yet floored at the weakness of a werewolf compared to my lycan form. "I'm fine, absolutely fucking fine! I took the damn pills, what more do you want from me?" The wetness begins to form around his eyes and he sighs shakily, rubbing roughly at his eye with the back of his hand. "Damn it. You're ruining my buzz."

"Randy-"

With a sad laugh, he cuts me off, "Why do you keep calling me that like you know me? You don't know me and if you did, you would stop trying so hard. I'm fucked up, there's no reason to keep up this charade that everything is going to be ok. I don't know who that guy you were screwing was, but that's not me. Not now at least." 

Propping myself up on my elbows, I can only take him in. Verando struggled with his worth, with his appearance, with his value. He wanted to control everything, be in control at all times, he was so afraid of letting me in and seeing this side of him. I feel like now I can understand why, not even he could accept this version of himself. How rejected and alone this young man must feel. 

"Opium makes me emotional." He sighs, wrapping his arms around himself, still seated over my hips. 

"I'm not leaving you. We are going to get through this." I tell him firmly, offering him the only comfort I can. 

Scoffing, he nervously scratches his neck. "You're trying like hell to send me back, that's leaving me, love. I've already fucked this up, I destroy everything that I touch, it's kind of what I do. This future isn't waiting for me when I go back. Your pain killers here suck, I'm not even... that.. high. I'm just easier to manage when the edge is taken off, people seem to like me more when I'm wasted."

It fractures my heart. Propping myself up on my elbows, I frown at him, resisting the urge to touch him. This Randy isn't mine, not yet at least. I want to tell him everything, I want to reveal to him how much he is loved, how many people adored him, how he is the light of his granddaughter's world and the love of my life. I would do anything to let him stay here, but my love for him forces me to acknowledge that he had to live this life to get to me.