To My Love

To My Love: Brothel

I laid flat and silent. I was motionless like a cold corpse. It wasn't my first time doing this for money. The ogar like snores coming for the man laying side by side with me was like agony. I felt shame fall over me as I slowly turned my head. My heart beat quietly as if it was scared to wake the man. He was so disgusting like a fat pig...I was so disgusting.
Why did I do this? Was it because my mother pleaded me to because she was so hungry? Or was it because I was so hungry? I slowly lifted myself from the bed and grabbed my boots. I tiptoed over to the corner of the room without a single breathe. I released the cold air out of my body and quivered in guilt.
Disgusting, you're disgusting.
I repeated those words in my head as I slid slowly down the wall and sat on the cold wooden floor, naked and dirty. My body built enough courage to grab my garments and put them on quickly and ever so slightly. I tied my hair up and rubbed my face until it was red. My feet slowly stepped over to the side of the bed where the fat man laid, sprawled out naked.
I tapped him twice and he woke up in distress as if he was going to punch me. My body jolted up and I clamped my hands to my body. "Oh it's just you" the man said with a groggy Scottish accent. "Well don't look so surprised to see me naked" he let out a big booming chuckle that made me want to wrap my hands around his fat neck and squeeze. I let out a small giggle that I prayed to not sound nervous.
"Want to go again? I have a couple more shillings..." the man said with a smirk as he attempted to lift up my skirt.
"No. I just want what I earned and I'll be on my way" I said grabbing his wrist and pushing it away.
The man looked at me with an angry brow. I began to breath hard and pray that he would not hurt me. But instead he let out a scoff as if I was a brute or a cheap whore. He grunted as he rolled out of the bed and reached for his satchel. I stood impatiently waiting for him to give me the money so I could leave. My hands began to shake and I started to bite the inside of my cheeks.
He looked at me with a cocked brow like he was curious why I was so nervous. "What is your name again las?" He asked taking his attention away from the satchel and focusing on me.
"I never told you my name." I said nervously.
"I didn't tell you mine either, but I want to know yours." He said still looking confused and confident.
"No. I just need the money." I said sternly.
"Not until I get your name las." He said insistently.
I swallowed every last inch of pride and pushed myself to tell the fat pig. He looked at me patiently waiting with a smug grin on his face like he knew I was going to give him my name. My head turned to him and my foot tapped and my fingers twitched. "Clair." I said shallow like I lost my voice. He smiled and pulled the money pouch out of his bag and handed it to me. "You have a beautiful day Clair." The man said and smiled at me.
I picked up my bag and sprinted across the room and out the door, not even looking back at my disgusting choices I made last night.
My mother was laying outside the door waiting for me to return. I threw my cloke over my shoulders and looked both ways down the street to see if anyone was watching. I walked over to my dirty mother laying in the dirt, sleeping like a baby.
I kicked her leg to wake her up. She woke up quickly, checking her surroundings until her eyes settle on me. "Oh, it's you Ruth." She said squinting her eyes up at me. "Did you get it done? Will we have enough for food and a room at the inn?" She asked while standing up and brushing herself off.
"We may have enough for one or the other." I said pulling the money pouch out of my bag.
My mother looks at me and smacks me on the head. "Are you serious??" She says in a yelling whisper. "I counted on you to support us this one night, and you can't even get us a half loaf of bread." She hissed at me. I felt ashamed knowing mama had done this many times and gotten enough money for a room at the inn and a plate of food and maybe a cup of rum. I should've taken the second offer, I repeated in my head.
"I'm sorry mama I just felt so guilty." I quivered while flinching from my mothers hand.
"Sorry?? Must I do everything for us." She said while snatching the bag out of my hand. She grabbed my hand and put my hood up. We made our way cautiously down to the inn around the corner. As we entered the warm glow of the tavern, we lowered our hoods and fixed our hair.
My mother made her way over to the front counter of the room keep. I stood and watched my mother charm her way into getting us a room the price of 5 shillings for the price of 3. I was always remarked by my mama and her youthful looks that could make a man drop to his knees.
The room keep showed us to our room and gave us a check out time strictly at 10:00pm. I rushed over to the fireplace and almost stuck my hands in the fire because I couldn't feel the warmth soon enough. I healed my frost nip and took off my cloke.
"I'll go grab us something to eat." My mother said while stepping out the door.
"Do we have enough shillings for that?" I said quickly before she descended from the room.
"We will." She said with a sigh and walked out slowly closing the door
I felt so terrible for us. This is how we have been living for the past 2 years. Always in paranoia and always looking for a way to earn out next bed and meal. We had blackened our souls with the things we had done, not even God could save us.
I cleaned myself up in the wooden tub that sat in the corner of the room. It had been so long since I had a bath. I could smell the stench lift off me after I scrubbed my skin raw with the lye soap that was provided. I sat there and closed my eyes thinking out my mistakes and prayed to God for forgiveness in my naked venerability. I lifted myself from the bath and let the water go cold after I got out.
I laid in the bed naked as I left my wet clothes next to the fire. My stomach suspiciously didn't feel empty anymore. It felt warm and clean and I felt good. I closed my eyes slowly and fell right asleep. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't wake in the middle of the moonlight. I just slept. Peacefully, for the first time in 2 years.