WITH HELD

If. Part Two.

Stella sat on the couch, long legs pulled up to her chin - She looked at me a minute, then back to her coffee..."Trin.  I still feel her. I know she's some where, she can't have just disappeared. People don't just go away, and that's it!.."        Stella stretched out her legs, one by one - Reached for her coffee.

"We'll find her. We'll find them all. I'll sort this out. I'll get them all back!.."     I hadn't been able to stop shaking since it happened, Stella quickly covered the space between us, her hands touching me first (Then she long arms wrapped
around my shoulders) She pulled me gently towards her.

"Trin, I'm not blaming you. No one is. This is a fucking mess.  He did this to us all.  He did! To every one of us!   Remember that. Please, remember that.    I don't blame you. I blame me.   I most definitely bloody blame him - Lord-ass himself!.."       Stella held me tight, slowly rocked the both of us (Small shhhing sounds could be heard)      I tried to relax, to breath. To bloody stop shaking.      I willed myself not cry.    

I shake all the time now, I hid it by moving/shifting/fidgeting - But, Stella knows.   I'm always tried, I don't sleep - If I do, I just pass out through exhaustion, perhaps the nips of whiskey help, I don't know for sure (It might calm the nerves. I never drink much, just a sip)   I'm still for an hour or two, then I start to shake (I wake up, I feel so cold)      My mind is always at that moment, something "moved".      We were all heading back to the mansion, gathering together.

Then.

The lights went out. It was dark. Now, we have what's called "Vegas Lighting" - Never fully night or day, always in the dusk or sunset.  That odd five in the morning or five at night vibe. Something was seriously not right, people started to act strangely (They weren't safe)     I didn't think I was physically there, but images find me, twisting around in my head. Clark and Benton charged forward - To Ethan. They got caught.      Bell and Geer were found with the children (They were removed, caged)    Bell and Geer were hung upside down from a branch on tree in the garden.

Abby and Fern were buried in a box in the garden.    Clark and Benton made it into the mansion (They saw Ethan)      Lucian dangled him in front of them.      They had walked into a circle of salt, Lucian stood and smiled at them - Set the salt on fire.    He then gently fanned the flames.       A part of me believes all that happened, I see the images every night (While passed out)    Stella often sits with me - Tells me no, that's not what happened.

We each have our own recollection of events - We both know neither of our memories are right.    Our minds are playing tricks, but the past events are so real (I always cry)    I can't stop the tears, I feel every blow/hit/action.    The conversations of the moments ring in my head - All the cry's, yells.      Stella often finds me staring into space, muttering - "nononoooo!"

A voice will sometimes whisper - "You bought this about. You let it happen. Ethan is an innocent.   Your the blood witch!  You wanted blood, didn't you!.

A really tiny, tiny voice - Tells me, I know how to fix this.    That voice never tells me.

The moment, we are all living in situations that does not feel real or right (Like this isn't our lives)  I try to stay close to Stella.      I've also had sparks of truth, but my mind and body have been so out of whack - I think, I'm being tricked.     Stella tells me no..."Trin, your seeing an answer.."       She squeezes my fingers (Smiles at me)     I really try to hang on to those minutes of sanity.

Stick with the present. Leave the past. The future hasn't happened. A teacher told me that once, I was too angry with myself at the time to listen. The present is pain. I miss the past. The future is coming faster than all would care to know.