Descend - Wolfstar + Marauders

Conversations

Not a problem. Not a problem. Not a problem.

Remus repeated it to himself over and over again in hopes that the next time would not sound so hollow. He repeated it when Sirius went back to work and he immediately met up with his dealer. He repeated it when he started lacing cigarettes with heroin so he could keep a supply in the flat without Sirius knowing. He repeated it when he took uppers in the morning to get him through the day and downers to get him through the night.

It wasn't a problem if he kept to a schedule. It wasn't a problem if he wasn't doing heroin more than twice a week and wasn't physically dependent. It wasn't a problem if the Valium he was taking was prescribed by a legitimate muggle doctor for legitimate panic attacks (he'd only had them on rare occasions in the past but ever since Oliver they'd become a frustratingly common occurrence) even if he was taking the medication far above the prescribed dose. It wasn't a problem because he wasn't drinking as much anymore, which was the real problem. That was his fathers problem and Remus decided to pack it away along with the rest of Lyall's possessions. It wasn't a problem that he was struggling to stop all together, because he was managing it and he was so close to getting there completely. It wasn't a problem if he could just keep control.

A few weeks passed and Remus had still heard nothing from Dumbledore. He was slowly starting to get back to, well, nothing had actually been normal in a long time, but back to something. Since Sirius' return to work, Remus was doing his best to avoid being alone. The easiest way to do this was to spend all his time with Lily and Harry. They made for a conveniently captive audience to his ongoing grief. He’d go over right after Sirius had left for work and then come home right after James got back. Not that he didn’t want to spend time with James. Sometimes he’d stay for dinner, but mostly he just wanted to get home to Sirius. He wasn’t over every day, he was trying not to be too overbearing, but a couple of times a week.

Things weren’t entirely smooth sailing between him and Sirius, but they were both making a real effort. Despite the occasional passive aggressive jab or dark moods on both their parts, pretty much all Remus wanted to do was be around him. Every moment that he could be with him, he was. He knew he was being clingy. Needy. He knew Sirius was being remarkably tolerant and that his patience probably wouldn’t last forever, but he couldn’t stop himself. Not to mention an unfortunate side effect of using laced cigarettes was him developing a genuine habit, so even when he wasn’t getting high, he kept smoking. Sirius wasn’t exactly thrilled about that particular development.

Now that Sirius knew about the missions, he finally had someone he didn’t have to hide that aspect of his life around. Not that he really talked about it. At all. Every time he tried he felt himself struggling to breath. Still, he had the option, and that was a huge relief. He’d made Sirius swear up and down that he wouldn’t breath a word of it to any of the others. Sirius had promised him he wouldn’t. He had let slip that he had half a mind to fight Dumbledore for being so reckless with his life. Remus made him promise not to do that, either.

The days he didn’t go and bother his friends he found other ways to occupy his mind. It wasn't a problem. He had a routine. A schedule. Control.

He’d started to worry that his constant presence had been irritating Lily. She assured him that she was delighted to have the company and the help with the baby. He would often play with Harry while she sat and read or took a nap.

He made the unfortunate mistake once of getting his days mixed up. He’d been nodding off on the couch when the phone on the kitchen wall had started ringing. Literally the only person who had ever called that phone was Lily. She was the one who convinced them to get it installed. Everyone else communicated through owl, or else just showed up in person if it was urgent. They had other means of communication for Order business. She insisted it was much more efficient to phone, especially in emergencies. She got very irritated when the others made fun of her for it (“Muggles aren’t totally stupid, you know, sometimes they have better ways.”)