Descend - Wolfstar + Marauders

A Mother's Love

Sirius had been away for four days. He was on some mission for the Order, investigating some rumors in the south. The details were vague. Not that Remus heard it from him, anyway. No, it had been a note left on the kitchen bench. They hadn’t actually spoken or even seen each other in almost a week. He almost felt the note had been left out of spite, not care. As if to say, 'See me keeping you in the loop? Do you see how I'm honest in a way you never could be?'

It had been about two months since That Night, and the only thing that was getting any better was the sex. They’d dropped all pretense of trying to talk things through and when they were actually home at the same time (something they both avoided as much as possible) they spent their time doing one thing only.

Remus wouldn’t describe the sex as devoid of feeling, exactly. There were a lot of feelings. None of them particularly positive, but certainly passionate. Remus knew why he was doing what he was doing. At this point it was really just anything to feel good for a moment. Anything to avoid dealing with things he just did not have the capacity to deal with. He didn’t really know what Sirius got out of the whole thing.

It was always rough. Never violent, but not tender. Remus didn’t feel loved when they fucked like he always had in the past. Actually, he sort of felt like Sirius hated him. In some sick way that almost made it better. After all, Remus was pretty certain he deserved to be hated.

Most nights, Remus just didn’t come home. For a while he’d tried to at least endure the awkward silences in hopes that it would improve, but then he had to leave for two weeks on another wretched mission. Sirius did not take well to him vanishing without an explanation (not even a note), nor did he extend sympathy when Remus came back home a complete mess. At least he didn’t ask questions, just as Remus didn’t question when Sirius came home with bruised knuckles, smelling of liquor, the tell-tale signs he’d been picking fights with assholes.

Remus, too, had officially given up on giving up drinking. Or sleeping reasonable hours. Or eating. Or speaking to his friends. Or trying to find any sort of work to fill the time that he wasn’t out sick or on missions. Fortunately, he’d been provided with a stipend by the Order, as he couldn’t possibly be expected to support himself when he was constantly having to disappear for weeks at a time and he sure as shit wasn't asking Sirius for help. He was putting the allowance to good use supporting the local night life. He wouldn't say he had muggle friends, exactly, but people he was friendly with. His dealer, some former coworkers. Enough that he didn't have to go out alone most nights. Even when he did, he always found someone willing to talk his ear off so he could think about their problems instead of his own.

For a while it had just been drinking. A lot of drinking. And cocaine. And whatever the hell else anyone cared to offer, he wasn’t all that picky. Okay, so things had escalated pretty quickly. Still, he hadn’t even been thinking much about the opiates. Not until he went back to the packs and was, as usual, surrounded by them. In the past it had not been an issue. He didn’t know what he was missing so it was easy to keep away. Things had changed, though, and whilst he had diligently refused to use them whilst on a mission, he came back to London with one thing on his mind.

That was a month ago. It had involved shopping around with a few doctors before he managed to find someone to write him a script. It wasn’t cheap, but he considered it well worth the cost. It made for a fantastic hangover cure when he crawled home in the morning after Sirius had left for work. He could just drift off into a peaceful stupor and not have to think or feel. They were prescribed by a legitimate doctor. He had a real condition and very real pain, so he figured it was fine. If anything, he was drinking less while he was taking them, which was an improvement.

His friends had been trying to get in touch with him. He had no idea what Sirius had or hadn’t been saying to them, but he was leaving their letters unopened, except to send the occasional short response assuring them that he was, in fact, still alive. He just wasn’t in the mood to deal with any of it. He hadn’t seen any of them in ages and had no plans to. He was well aware he was a fucking mess and they didn’t deserve to put up with his shit. Thankfully, they were all far too busy (or in hiding) to be able to drop by unexpectedly in the middle of the day when he was actually home.