My Life Through You

Chapter 10

"You want milk or juice?" I look up from my plate filled with bacon and eggs and I see Jayden holding up a bag full of milk in one hand and a bottle of juice in the other.

"Milk is fine," I respond and fix my eyes on my breakfast again.

After our kiss, we went to bed quickly. It wasn't awkward but we weren't talking much either. I tried to fall asleep as fast as I possibly could but I ended up rolling around for two hours until I succeeded. That is why I only woke up 20 minutes ago to Jayden preparing breakfast. I got dressed like every other morning and managed to get to the bathroom without looking at him once. I am not sure if he noticed me before I closed the door, but I don't care. I needed to get my head straight and figure out how I am going to approach him. Him admitting that he missed me and his lips brushing over mine is playing and replaying in my mind constantly and I am not able to have a clear thought. I brushed my teeth, washed my face where couldn't help tracing my fingers over my mouth and caught myself wishing they were his. I shake my head in the attempt to erase the memories from last night just for a little while but I, obviously, was unsuccessful. When I opened the bathroom door, I was extremely tense and even though my head was repeatedly playing out a scenario in which I would simply run through the front door and never come back, my feet led me into the kitchen. When Jayden first saw me, he almost dropped the pan he was holding, but recovered quickly and poured some scrambled eggs on two beds.

"Morning," he said. Although we never talked much in the morning anyway, it seems different today. Well, of course, it seems different today, what did I expect? We started and continued eating in silence when he asked me what I wanted to drink.

After we finished our breakfast Jayden put the dishes away and then joins me in the kitchen aisle again. He wasn't reading his newspaper today as usual, and he seems like he is just as confused and overwhelmed by the situation as I am.

"So," he begins. "Do you want to talk about it?" He speaks slowly, almost like he is trying not to scare me. I take a deep breath.

"I think we have to," I say and try to hold his gaze.

"Ok, well, I wasn't planning on kissing you, I mean I was, sort of, but not like that, I... I'm sorry, I hope I didn't upset you or anything." His voice is quiet and he seems unsure. He is thinking very carefully about every single word that leaves his mouth to make sure he doesn't say the wrong thing. Calm down, Ruth. You got this.

"No, you didn't. Upset me I mean." He lets out a deep breath that he was holding since he finished his sentence.

"Good." Silence falls over us again. His eyes stay on me, even though I try to look at anything other than him. I have no idea why this is so difficult for me. I have dated before. Nothing serious though. But this feels so different from any relationship I have ever been in. Does he want a relationship?

"Why did you do it?" I ask, not giving my brain any chance to think twice about it. I finally manage to look at him again and he is clearly surprised by my question.

"What?" He asks. I know that he heard me the first time, however, he is probably trying to spare himself some time to think of the answer.

"Why did you kiss me? What did it mean?" I try to sound as calm as possible, but my voice is shaky and it is clearly audible that I am nervous about his answer.

"Isn't it obvious?" He chuckles but looks to the floor. He is just as nervous as I am, which, I have to admit, I am glad about.

"If it was, I wouldn't ask, would I?" I smile, trying to get some of the tension out of the room. I start playing with the laces of my hoodie. In situations where I feel nervous, anxious or any other similar emotion, I am always unsure about what to do with my hands.