My Life Through You

Chapter 4

I got woken up by a loud, deep yawn, that I am pretty sure came from Jayden. I roll around the bed for another couple of minutes, hoping I might be lucky and go back to sleep for just a little while, But I wasn't. I slowly open my eyes, trying to get used to the light that is streaming into the room from the huge windows across from me. I leave the warm covers, change into a comfortable outfit and walk straight into the bathroom. As soon as I brushed my teeth I enter the kitchen and I notice Jayden leaning against his fridge, waiting for his coffee to be ready.

"Morning," I greet him.

"Morning," he greets me back. We aren't so talkative that early in the day. Both of us. And I am glad. The last thing I want in the morning is some overexcited person telling me what a beautiful day it is in a way too shrill tone. Jayden's simple "Morning" is perfectly fine.

I sit down at the counter, help myself to some toast and butter and start eating. Jayden joins me a couple of minutes later with a cup of coffee in one hand and the newspaper in the other. We both finish our breakfast quickly and when I try to grab Jayden's plate, he pulls away telling me he will do the dishes. We argue for a few seconds, but I eventually give in. I hate doing the dishes anyway. So instead, I reach for the newspaper and start glancing through the lines. It is just two words, that make me hold my breath and bring my heart to stop beating for just a split of a second. I sharply suck in air and release it again. My entire body starts shaking and I feel like throwing up at any second.

Ruth Booker

Those are the two words that just turned my whole mood upside down as well as my stomach. My name – I read my name – right in between the death notices. I swallow the lump that apparently has formed in my throat over the last minute. Why am I so shocked? Am I shocked? I can't even describe my own feelings at the moment. I knew I was dead, well, my body at least. Then why do I suddenly feel so bumped? I pick up the newspaper again with my shaking hands – I must have dropped it accidentally. I read on.

Funeral – 06/16/2021

My funeral. How could I possibly have forgotten my own funeral? It had to happen eventually. Between all of my thoughts that started rushing into my head the second I read my name under the death notices there is one question, that stands out the most. Do I want to go? Why would I? What's the point? Closure? I never had that with anything in my life anyway, so why now? Every logical cell in my brain is giving me reasonable arguments why it would be a terrible idea to attend, but there is this one feeling, that I can't ignore. Something inside of me is yelling at me, screaming, that I need to attend this funeral. That I need to say goodbye not just to my old body, but to my old life. There is no way, I will ever be able to get back to that again, so I need to let go. Besides, if I don't go, nobody will be there. I didn't have any family left, I didn't have any friends, I was all alone. I realize that now, more than ever before. Why does it take my own funeral, for me to realize that I was lonely my entire life? I am such a mess. A mess, that apparently will attend her own funeral.

"Everything ok?" Jayden's voice rips me away from my thoughts and throws me back into reality.

"Uhm... I...," I stutter. Should I tell him? Obviously, I can't tell him everything. But first of all, I do need someone to drive me there and second of all, I would like for him to come with me. If I ever needed emotional support, it is now. He will have no idea how much I am going to need him, but he will be there. That's all that matters.

"Actually, no. There is this girl – Ruth Booker. She...Uhm... was a friend of mine." I am just telling him the same lie I told the doctor the day I woke up in the hospital when I was trying to find out what happened to my body and to Amy.