[WARNING: THIS MAY CONTAIN WORDS, SCENES, SENSITIVE CASE SCENARIO, TRIGGERING EMOTIONS NOT SUITED FOR SOME READERS. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS KIND OF STORY THEN DON'T READ IT]
I was alone here in my room, staring at nothing in particular. It feels likes everything was empty, like there's nothing else I could feel or think. I just felt so tired that I wanted to disappear and come back when everything's alright. But of course that won't ever happen. Hindi naman kasi ganyan ang buhay eh, na kapag ayaw mo na sa mga nangyayari ay pwede kang umalis, tapos babalik ka lang pag gusto mo. O di kaya ay mamimili ka ng gusto mong maging ganap sa buhay mo. How I wish I could write my own life the way I wanted it. For now I just wanted to disappear to end this pain, to end the pain I've caused her.
This room so dark and gloomy that only the light that came from the window lightens up it's four walls. I look at the center of the room, at the things I've prepared for today. My birthday gift. It would be my birthday gift to my mother. I bet she would be the happiest after this, it would be her happiest birthday kasi yung bagay na matagal nya nang bukambibig at pangarap ay matutupad na din sa wakas. It wasn't easy but I don't know how to continue anymore. It feels like I am alive yet barely breathing. Everything feels suffocating, it's hellish. I am tired of those pain.
I slowly walk to the center where the chair was set. Tumuntong ako sa upuan at inabot ko ang lubid na ako din mismo ang nag set up. Yeah right, lets do this. Para sa ikatatahimik nya, para sa ikaliligaya nya. All she want is for me to disappear, kasi wala naman akong dala kundi puro pasakit. Because of me, her life was ruined. Masakit. Oo sobra, wala nang mas sasakit pa dun.
My hands were tremling as I put on the rope on my neck. I let out a deep breath before closing my eyes, ready to take in action.
Closing my eyes, my mind went back to the life I had. It was like seeing your memories all together from the very start as far as my mind could remember. All those slaps, mental and emotional breakdown, all those curses coming from her. It all broke me once again. I love her so much but why can't she love me back. I have so much love to give but she don't need it. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat ng gusto nya, ginawa ko ang lahat para mahalin nya. Kahit pa kapalit noon ang dignidad ko, ang puri ko. Kahit masakit ginawa ko para sa ikaliligaya nya, para magkasilbi naman daw ako. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang masira ang pangarap nya, hindi ko naman kasalanan kung ginusto kong mabuhay sa loob ng sinapupunan nya, hindi ko naman sinasadyang maging bunga ng karahasang naranasan nya. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang maging anak ng tatay kong nanghalay sa kanya. Pero bakit nasa akin ang sisi, ang sumbat, ang pasakit sa lahat ng bagay na hindi ko naman alam. Dati akala ko pag pinapalo ako, tanda lang iyon ng pagmamahal nya kasi ganun daw yun sabi nila eh. Kaya kahit mapuno ako ng pasa sa bawat palo, kurot, sampal o tadyak ay hindi ko na binalewala pa ang sakit kasi iniisip ko na love ako ni mama, galit lang sya, o di kaya ay gusto nya lang akong disiplinahin. Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan ay kung bakit ang lamig ni mama sa akin, palagi syang galit, at para bang ayaw nya akong makita. Minsan naiinggit ako sa ibang mga bata na hinahalikan ng mama nila, niyayakap, pinapasyal, inaalo pag umiiyak. Bakit yung mama ko hindi ganyan? Bakit palagi s'yang galit sa akin? Bakit palagi nya akong sinasaktan?
Sa mura kong edad nagawa nya akong ibugaw para naman daw may silbi ako, para naman daw may pambayad ako sa pagpapalaki nya, pagbuhay nya sa akin. I can't tell her how hurt I am, lalo na nang makita ko ang kislap ng mga mata nya habang nakatingin sa hawak na perang pinambayad ng umabuso sa akin. Masakit pero hindi ako nagreklamo kasi minsan sa buhay ko nagawa kong pasayahin ang mama ko.
I didn't complain even when I was physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and psychologically abused. Hindi ako nagreklamo kahit ang totoo gusto kong umiyak sa sobrang sakit, sa pagod. Tinanggap ko lahat ng sampal, tadyak at kung ano ano pa, para sa pag-asang balang araw mararamdaman ko din ang pagmamahal nya. Pero pagod na pagod na din ako sa lahat, ayoko na. Pagod na akong umasa na masuklian ng pagmamahal nya, na baka balang araw kaya nya din akong ngitian ng matamis at may kalakip na pagmamahal.
All my life, I was and still craving for her love. Iyon lang ang tanging bagay na paulit-ulit kong hinihiling na sana maramdaman ko din ang init ng yakap nya habang inaalo ako, na sana protektahan at alagaan nya ako gaya ng ginagawa ng mga nanay sa kanilang mga anak. Pero napapagod din ako, pagod na pagod na ang puso ko na umasa pa. Hindi ko na kaya. Tama na. At kung ang mawala ako ay ang tanging hiling nya, malugod ko itong gagawin.
'Wala kang kwentang bata ka, sana hindi ka nalang nabuhay. Nang dahil sayo nasira ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay, sana mamatay ka nalang' paulit-ulit itong tumatatak sa aking isipan. Everytime I would seek for your love and care, I would always recieve painful words, and bruises from you. Do I really deserve that ma?
Tears started to form at the corner of my eyes as I remembered her face. Her beautiful face who became her worst nightmare.
"I love you ma, happy birthday" and with that I jumped. I can feel the rope tightening, suffocating me. I can't breath.
A lone tear escaped from my eyes, a tear which I hardly supressed.
'I hope you are happy now ma. I granted your wish' I said with mouth closed, only saying it in my mind.
It was her wish, for me to vanish in this world. And for her to forget the pain she experienced, to forget the trauma and everything. At hindi nya makakamit iyon habang kasa-kasama nya ako- ang bunga ng malagim nyang nakaraan.
All I wanted is to be loved by her, but she want me gone.
I can feel my body jerking, trying to survive but I didn't do anything for it. It was supposed to happen and it will happen. My pulse started to beat slow as I can feel my world went black. Everything starts to fade. And the last thing I have seen in that flash of memories was my mother's face. Her very beautiful face and everything including all the pain has gone.
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Dedicated to Astra, zhiu_ride
