Ghost Of You | cth

5. Monster Among Men

I was trying to think of ways to calm myself down without disturbing my friends who were happy and celebrating the hard work we put into an amazing album.

As my leg anxiously shook, I stood up from my spot on the couch and quickly went upstairs to my room.

When I entered, I hurriedly walked over to my drawers and shuffled through them trying to look for what I need.

Then I found it. A perfectly unopened and untouched packet of cigarettes sat laying for me in the back of my drawer.

I had always been interested in using cigarettes to help with my anxiety since I knew that I would never try other alternatives.

Therapy was out of the option for me. I don't like to share what I'm feeling with anyone but my band and Paige.

I grabbed one cigarette from the pack and picked up my lighter from the nightstand.

The second I was outside, in the fresh air, away from any chaos, with a cigarette in between my lips, I felt any anxiety I had be rid from me.

I watched as the smoke drifted off into the sky. It was as if my worries and anxious thoughts were drifting away with it.

It was the best few minutes of bliss I'd ever experienced, but when Paige came outside and saw what I was doing, that all went away.

She was so disappointed and overall extremely scared for me. She knows how bad my anxiety can be, but she probably never thought it would lead to this.

I told her I'd never do again, but well here we are.

I'm halfway through with round two at this point. I look to the side and can see excited fans entering the venue with wide smiles plastered on their faces.

They all look so excited and yet here I am destroying my lungs so that I can put on a good show for them.

Turning my attention away, I take another hit and am about to exhale, when the door opens. I turn around in shock to see who would be exiting the venue from this way.

My heart quite literally plummets to my stomach once I see who I am face to face with. "Cal? What are you doing out here?" Paige asks just as shocked as I am.

I turn around and cough out the smoke I wasn't able to exhale. Once I can breathe again, I turn around and do my best to act normal.

Trying to hide the cigarette behind my back I say, "I just needed fresh air."

She walks out further and allows the door to shut behind us. "What are you doing out here?" I ask since she was having a deep conversation with Vanessa not too long ago.

"I was just- actually it doesn't matter." She says stopping herself, confusing me.

I hear the clatter of a medicine bottle being shoved into her purse and want to ask her what it is. I'm assuming it's Advil or something since Paige's muscles always seem to be in pain.

"Why don't you go back inside? It's cold out here." I try to convince since I can see her shivering and also because I need to finish this cigarette before going onstage.

"No I'm fine." She says putting her arms up around herself for warmth. "I just wanted to check on you."

"I'm okay. Don't worry about me." But what I want to say is, "I'm actually not okay and really need you to go inside so that I can deal with my anxiety and not break your heart with what I'm doing to myself."

"Are you sure?" She asks again, shifting her position to stand more comfortably in front of me.

"I'm okay Paige."