Ghost Of You | cth

5. Monster Among Men

"And we're gonna make you fall in love with us." Paige says fanning her face dramatically.

The boys and I continue getting ready, laughing at the girls playful behavior. The two sit in the lounge, not too far from ear shot so that we can still hear them enough to carry on a conversation.

"Do you think Luke will notice me?" Vanessa says jokingly since she knows her boyfriend can hear her. "I purposely bought tickets for Luke's section so that he would notice me and bring me backstage."

The blonde stops combing through his curls and turns towards the door, looking at Vanessa. "I'll do a lot more than just bring you backstage." He says winking at her, eliciting a squeal from the girls.

Ashton plugs his phone in and blasts our guilty pleasure band, Nickelback. We always listen to music that gets us in the mood and out of our heads before we go on stage.

While this is a healthy way to rid ourselves of anxiety, it doesn't help me as much as it helps the other boys.

Sure it puts me in the mood, but it doesn't make the pounding in my head from the thoughts I have, disappear.

I stand in front of the mirror and brush my fingers through my curls so that it doesn't look like I got no sleep last night. I can feel the racing of my heart and the insides of my body itching for the nicotine, but my face shows nothing but a calm state.

The three other boys are getting excited for the show and making themselves look presentable as possible. I'm standing in my own corner in front of the mirror trying to slow my thoughts. Not even music can get me out of my head. This is so dangerous.

Calum don't do it. You already had one, you don't need another. But I do. I do need another.

Before I know it, I'm grabbing the pack of cigarettes out of my bag before anyone can stop me and walking out the dressing room. I already know where the door that leads outside is because I was there not too long ago.

I pass Paige and Vanessa on my way out and can see their heads turned the opposite way from me.

They seem to be too deep into conversation to even notice me practically storming out of the venue.

The doors make a loud clanking sound as I push to get them open, but I don't care. I just need to get outside.

Once I'm finally alone, I close my eyes and take in a deep breath of fresh air.

Growing up, I was always the quiet kid. I had so many inner thoughts going on, but I was never the outspoken type.

I had this fear that if I spoke my mind that it would inevitably be used against me. Which is when I turned to song writing.

Writing what I felt on paper and then turning it into a song helped me a lot when I was younger. It still does, but at some point it just wasn't enough anymore.

I started smoking a few months before we left for tour. The guys and I were at my house hanging out after we finished recording Youngblood.

I was proud of what we did and I knew that we had many people who loved it already. For some reason though I had these terrible thoughts racing through my head.

Thoughts that I had growing up in school. They would say, "You're not good enough Calum. Your thoughts don't deserve to be publicized. At some point the fans aren't going to love it anymore."

And for some reason, I believed it.

As I sat on the couch with my friends, I could feel my heart racing and a headache coming on. We were in the middle of a conversation and I was doing my best to stay calm.