What If Instead Of...

1 Vivian

My eyes widen uncontrollably, the sharp claws of self-contempt dig deep into my already vulnerable heart.

I try to convince myself that she blurted it out out of helplessness and resentment.
Can anyone really think that such words can make to stay?
They only strengthen me in the belief that I need to move on.

Before one of my parents has time to speak, I decide to put an end to it all.

"I love you, even if we are forbidden to talk about it out loud and even if you do not have reciprocal feelings towards your failure of a daughter who fulfilled none of your hopes," I manage in a voice in which tears can be heard.

At this moment Leo approaches our car.
I only notice him when he starts opening the door from my side.

The realization that this may be the last time I see my parents makes my eyes fill with bitter tears.
Mother and father are silent, looking at me.

They won't shed a tear, because it doesn't correspond with the rules. They have lived in the system longer than I have, they are more used to controlling their emotions.

Leo opens the door and holds out his hand to me, I put my palm in his without hesitation.

"I'm sorry," I whisper at last, swallowing a tear lump in my throat.

Please may it be the right choice I make this time.

Leo immediately lets go of my hand and moves with quick steps to his car.
I can barely keep up, following him.

It takes everything I have not to look back. God knows, I don't want to part with my parents, callously abandon them to the mercy of fate, but I know I won't last long in my world.
Here I have hope, there is only despair.

The guy, like a gentleman he is, opens the front door of his car for me. He is in a hurry, as if we are being chased.
He doesn't know my parents and their habit of doing everything as they are told, even if deep down they want to do it differently.

I don't dare say a word, even though my head is full of questions I can't wait to ask. For example, what was his motive when he decided to follow me?
Was it Aiden's idea?

"We need to stop by Grace's to take at least some of your things for a while at first," Leo says judiciously, glancing in the rear-view mirror with slight anxiety. "I know there's no one there right now."

I look at him with confusion, trying to read, what is happening, on his face.

"No one..."

"Yes, no one knows what I did," he interrupts me quickly.

Well, at least I'm aware of one thing for sure - Aiden doesn't care, he has no regrets.

This fact hurts my pride.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this? Aiden clearly doesn't want to see me here..." I voice my doubts.

"I don't care what he wants. This is your life, you have to make your own choices. If you want to stay, stay. Aiden and I have been friends for a long time, he's like a brother to me. But he's wrong here and did you dirty," Leo reasons fiercely.

A few silent minutes pass when he decides to ask.

"Vivian, you want to stay, don't you?"

I take a deep breath, trying to give an honest answer to his question.

"The truth is I'm lost. Lately, I have been constantly faced with heavy, dark thoughts: Why did I live up to my age? What am I fighting for? I don't know what I want. It feels like I've failed all along the life line.
Just recently I began to have a glimmer of hope I will be able to feel involved and needed here.
I even felt joy at times.
Most of these moments are filled with him," I pause, wiping away tears - I'm not going to pretend everything is fine, "I've lost and can't find myself anymore, but I think it's better for me to stay here, no matter what, because here I have freedom of choice....Although I'm starting to think the resistance I have to put up at home gives at least some meaning to my life..."