𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐇 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 [slow updates]

𝟖

"I did. A few times, actually."

Well, then.

"What? When?"

"When we first started dating, I remember that all of our friends hated each other. Oh, and his parents hated me back then too. It felt like it just wasn't right. Felt like life and death. And when we broke up after college, it was because I thought we were going two different ways." She informs me.

I knew about that last one, but it was something we only brought up in passing comments.

"Yeah, I remember the one in college. That one was really something."

I can hear the smile in her voice when she agrees with me.

"The last time was when we got married. Nothing important, just me freaking out about it a little."

I remember that one too.

"Hm. I just... is this normal? To question my relationship and whether or not I'm happy?" I ask. Not to her in particular, I just have to put the question out there into the world. "Because it doesn't—"

"Cindy, let's get one thing straight. All right?"

"Okay?"

"There's a difference between cold feet, and actually wanting out. You understand that, don't you?"

Not really. That's what I've been trying to figure out.

Do I definitely not want to be with him, or am I just deflecting the possibility of certain things changing with marriage?

"I..."

"Then, there it is. That's what you have to figure out. And don't be impulsive about it. It'll get you nowhere." She tells me.

"I know." I grumble.

While I think I'm not, I'm impulsive. Not the kind of impulsive that has you jumping into scary situations, but the kind of impulsive that has me jumping away.

Hope knows I'll take that leap if she doesn't remind me to buckle my knees.

I sigh, smoothing my hair out of my face.

"Thanks, Hopey. I'll call you later. Gotta call everyone I know so they'll give me the answers to my problems."

She laughs, blowing me a kiss over the phone. "Love you, Cin."

"Bye-bye." And I hang up.

❄︎❄︎❄︎

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Everyone I know is useless, so I resort to Google and therapy blogs, but even those are no help.

Then I remember I have homework to grade, and I almost break down at the thought of working while processing all of this. It just doesn't seem fair.

It's work, though. What truly wouldn't be fair is disregarding my students and their work for some selfish reason like I'm pregnant and want to break up with my fiancé.

So I spend three hours grading homework, answering emails, brainstorming cute ways to share the big news with my fiancé and break up with him. Sigh. What an exciting day.

And my friends say my life is bland.

I freaking wish this could be considered bland.

Anyway, I grade and write those emails until my fingers are red, so numb that they feel hot.

I'm drifting to sleep on the couch. I can feel myself kind of swaying. Before I can even think about shutting my eyes completely, I jump right out of my damn body when I hear the front door shut.