𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐎𝐟 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐬𝐭

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐞.

A U T U M N ' S P O V

Maya walks away to go to piano practice, leaving me alone. I pick my things up and make my way to the toilets, because in all honesty, I'm too scared to eat by myself.

It sounds stupid, I know. But I just hate eating in front of people, especially that everyone was staring at me and I'm now all alone.

You're probably also thinking "Eating in the toilets, that's disgusting." Well I don't give two fucks.

I awkwardly look at my map, probably looking like a lost year seven on their first day, to find my way to the toilets. I find them and enter, praying there's no one in there. I thank god that there isn't.

There's a huge landscape mirror on the wall above the sinks and four cubicles; everything was white with peach coloured doors. I look in the mirror and I sigh at my reflection.

Why do I have to be so ugly?

My dark circles are huge, not being able to be covered by my makeup, my hair is a frizzy tangled mess and is all over the place, my skin is awfully pale, making me look horribly ill.

I have a thick, red scar starting from just above my eyebrow going straight down in a vertical line to my jawline. I hate that scar so much.

It makes me look even more ugly. My dad gave it to me when he caught me getting food. He grabbed a knife on the kitchen counter and sliced it right down my face. I was only 13.

Tears prickle in my eyes and threaten to stream down my face. I suck it up because it's such a stupid thing to cry over something that's my fault.

I take out my makeup bag to cover my face up more and make myself look some what presentable.

Yet even after putting makeup on, I'm still ugly.

I try to mask how I feel so I smile in the mirror to try and make myself feel better and to see how I'll look if someone talks to me and I make myself look okay. But I'm not.

What is wrong with me?

Still not happy with how I look, I enter the cubicle, not wanting to look at myself anymore, and put the toilet seat down and sit on it.

I hang my bag up and get out some hand sanitiser to clean my hands. I get out the pizza box and open it up and, fuck, that looks good. This is like two days worth of food to me.

Don't make yourself throw up again, Autumn.

I take it out, take a bite and my taste buds explode with how scrumptious it is. I continue to finish it off when I hear the main door open. I freeze.

"So, what happened?" One girl says.

"Common, tell us!" A second one says.

"Okayyy fineee." Another girl says. I recognise that voice. That voice is Anastasia's.

"So, as you know, we both walked out the canteen and went to the Janitors closet where we usually go. I was hoping to get fucked because, well, we always fuck in there.

But, when we were making out, he stopped it and said he can't. But like, no one turns down sex for me, and who wouldn't want to fuck me either? Especially him. So I went to give him a blowjob because he's stupid but that fucking dickhead wasn't even hard!" She finishes. Her friends curse him and comfort her.

Now what the fuck did I just hear?

"I bet it was that new girls fault," either Emily or Olivia say.