Through Her Eyes ✔

80. REDEMPTION

"I told you already. It's okay. I am all over it now. I think." His ever sweet Daun. Nothing could sour her for him. However, will she be okay if he says his truth? Does she feels him withholding to her care?

"I meant, the past. Before you Daun-ah." He tenderly observes the realization on her face as he tucks the unruly strands of her hair. They are all high up at the mountain peak now, munching on the delicacies she had prepared for the hike. They are sprawled on the little mat on the ground. They are too far away from the other lovers. The two of them are in the security of their own little world.

Maybe it's time to let go himself and come out clean. Perhaps she could understand. Perhaps she could forgive. Perhaps he could forgive himself.

"What do you mean before me?" She asks concerned on the way he stupidly pause for an answer. He is doubting himself. It's not that he doesn't trust Daun with his sins. He doesn't trust himself from his sins. They had constantly haunting him for all the nights, especially now that their time together had been shortened with all their work. It's like a nightmare, still persisting. It's a memory he thought he had already buried.

"I sinned before you came to us. I had been with women. Women to fulfill my need... no... my lust and impatience. I feel like, I have to be punished of what I did. To you ... to our bond." He finally says. Like his rap, he talked as fast. Yet like his raps, it's so much clear.

"Well..." She only starts. She reaches out to touch his chin, lifting his face up to see her. However, the disgust he expected was not there. "As you said. It was the past...as you said it was before me." She kindly smiles. "Does it matter what you did before meeting me? It didn't matter to you what I have done before you? How much sin I had done, suppressing the soul signs that we should have had. Why would it matter for me with all your women?" She says in all honesty.

"But your suppression of our soul bounds was not a choice. It was needed for the things that you were through." He defends her. "It was my choice. A choice I did again and again with my fucked up reasoning and my fucked up disgusting lust." His eyes downcast. It was all fucked up. One night he would tell Jungkook how he wishes for his soulmate to come. He would tell the youngest his excitement only to bed another woman. He would wish for a soulmate yet he didn't even have the patience to wait. With his act the others followed, for if it was okay for him, then it was okay for them. He was indeed a leader even with their fucked up ways.

"Joonie. You are only human. We are human. We are bound to choose the choices that we know is wrong. I have been there. I had so much choices. Yet I still choose the obvious fucked up one." She winces with the cursed word.

"What do you mean?" He frowns.

"How do you know I didn't choose it for my convenience for my wrong belief? How I was not even considering what is its possible effects? The suppressants? Maybe I know. Maybe I don't. But still I choose to take each of its pill, intoxicating my soul. It's like yours. Women could be intoxicating. I won't know even I myself is a woman. But it happened in the past." She looks towards the tree tops and towards the distance as she gently says her thoughts. "Can't we get over with it?"

Yet again. They are too similar in so many ways. Namjoon has an inkling that the words is somehow also convincing herself. It's telling herself to believe on it too.

"I love you more." He confesses once again as he looks deeply to her soul. Now with his words comes with clarity that even with the past mistakes that he made, nothing will change. Namjoon loves her with all his might. Knowing her late maybe is already a punishment, one that others shouldn't experience.

***********

Yoongi didn't give much thoughts on his birthday. However , when his birthday came, he only asked one thing. He wants her in his genius lab. He wanted to record her singing and her violin.

"I love you." She can remember the deepest voice that she heard with her Yoonie. It was coated with his sincerity and truth. She could only respond with a searing kiss as it didn't fail to give her heated chills through her bones. That night, he didn't just recorded his singing but all their moans with their passion boxed within his lab's noise-canceller walls.

That confession had been expected. But with Kim Namjoon, something is so different. It feels like, he had carved it from the deepest of his soul. It feels more like a threat. Like... if she won't love him the same then he won't love himself as much.

Then he told her his women. She can feel his guilt and remorse of all his past deeds. The maknaes had told them their past, but not like this. It's as if he had carried his mistake forever on his shoulders. It's as if her Joonie would do his best to change all that if he could just turn back time.

She had thought that she has the only one with regrets and it's hypocrisy to tell him to forget it. Because she can't even forget hers. Daun, from time to time still feels the regret of suppressing them. She can still feel the anger deep inside. If only they are not by her side, she wouldn't know what to do anymore. Perhaps their touches and loving had made her through.

"I love you more. " He confesses once again. And the words is now etched inside her head. He loves her so much more than a minute or so before. He loves her more than the love she feels for him. He loves her more than anyone could...

How to say back those words? How to say I love you as much as one do? Perhaps its still the guilt or the void that still haunts her from now and then. She is afraid that one day that love will seize to exist and only stays is what Fate insists. She doesn't want everything is just because the status of the soulmate and feelings just dwindles to mere companionships. She is afraid with the uncertainty. After all, they are human. They are all fickle. The mistakes of the past can be made in the future.

"Thank you." How crazy to only respond so? How foolish yet the words are seemingly enough for Kim Namjoon. His lips quirks in a comfortable smile.

'Thank you.' She guesses it would suffice for now, for loving her now and for loving her tomorrow. Perhaps a time will come when she can say it not just to Namjoon but to all of them... I love you all the most.