My Empire of Dirt

Thank Your God and Get Off Your Knees

Johnny breathed slowly through his nostrils, trying to calm his mind. He couldn't do anything right, he couldn't even kill himself without fucking it up.

He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling once again, counting the speckles that covered the tiles as he took another steadying breath.

He needed to get out of there.

The last time he was in a situation like this, it had been an accident, shaking him back into his senses and forcing him to seek out help.

Now...it was far from an accident and all he wanted was to go home and-

He shouldn't be thinking about that, not when Elias was just outside the room. Gretchen didn't know and he prayed to God that his mom didn't know.

His mom.

As Johnny layed there, he thought about how she would have reacted if he had been successful. It would have destroyed her.

The pang of guilt made him feel worse than his painful headache and aching bones ever could.

Elias came back inside and stopped when he saw Johnny was awake. "Johnny." He whispered, stepping forward and resting his hand on the musician's arm, avoiding the IV sticking out of the crook of his elbow.

Johnny felt tears well up in his eyes and he turned away from the older man, he never wanted anyone to see him like this, he didn't want people realizing until it was too late.

"Johnny why didn't you talk to me?" Elias asked, rubbing Johnny's shoulder, his heart shattered as the boy fell apart in front of him.

"I don't- I'm- I'm sorry, Elias. I couldn't- it was too much- I couldn't keep ruining everything- I-" Johnny was becoming hysterical, he had kept all of this locked up deep inside of him and saying it out loud was breaking him.

Elias sat on the edge of the hospital bed and pulled Johnny into a tight hug, rubbing the back of his head. "Shhh, Johnny, that isn't true, I'm sorry I didn't see what was happening, I should have been there for you." He whispered, fighting back tears.

Johnny gripped Elias' shirt as he trembled, his breathing uneven and shaky.

"Where's Gretchen?" Elias asked softly, rubbing the younger man's shoulder comfortingly.

"She's gone." The singer rasped. No one knew that Gretchen had left him.

"Oh." The older man said, unable to form any other words. Fuck.

That explained why Johnny spiraled so quickly; or perhaps it hadn't been quick at all? This could have been building since the festival or even before then.

"Do you want me to-" Elias cut off the question, he didn't know what he wanted to ask him, he knew Johnny wouldn't want him to tell Gretchen and he doubted he wanted to worry his mom.

"I just want out of here, Elias." Johnny whispered, pulling away to scrub the tears from his eyes. "Does the press know?" He asked gravelly.

"No, I made sure to issue NDAs to everyone who came into contact with you, no one will know unless you tell them, don't worry." Elias replied, sitting down with a huff, he was exhausted.

Johnny merely nodded, picking at his hospital bracelet. "When can I go?" He asked again, persistent on leaving the hospital.
"We have a photoshoot tomorrow I need to leave."

"Woah woah woah! Slow down, kid! You just woke up from a drug induced coma, you almost died, Johnny and I- I know things have been rough recently and I won't pretend to know what you've been going through, but I really think you need a break." The older man was astonished, Johnny had just attempted suicide, but now all he was thinking about was working?