The Secrets That Save Us

Chapter 27

Cole

I had to come upstairs and take a breather.

Everything with Tyler and Kaylie is moving so quick and being here as a family almost is making it seem a lot more real.

I sit on the end of Grace's bed with my head in my hands. I knew this feeling couldn't last forever and the guilt is starting to set in, big time.

"Hey, I thought I saw you come up here, you okay?" Grace asks me as she enters her room with Mia.

I go to stand, "Yeah, sorry I'll get outta here."

"We just came up to put my phone on charge." Mia tells me waving her phone in the air while Grace eyes me suspiciously.

She pushes my shoulder down, "Sit." She orders. Hunter really has brought her out of her shell.

"What's wrong." She asks, although she's demanding an answer.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I tell her.

Grace and Mia share a look before Grace speaks again, "Wanna try and find a different sibling to try that lie on?" She raises an eyebrow at me.

"Sure" I look at Mia, "Mia I'm fine." I try to give them a joking smile so they leave me alone but Grace continues to stare me out.

"Okay, jeez stop giving me the Mom look, I'll talk."

She smiles triumphantly as she sits beside me on her bed and Mia stands crossed armed at the door.

I take a breath not knowing where to begin, "This isn't how it's supposed to be Grace." She waits for me to explain more, "I shouldn't be living a happy life with Tyler and Kaylie, that should be Josh."

"Cole, come on, you can't think like that." Mia says.

"No I have to because it's the truth."

"There was nothing you could have done." she tries to argue, I'm sure everyone's fed up of the one man pity party that is my life but it makes sense to me. This happy illusion I'm living in at the moment doesn't make sense.

Grace wraps an arm around me, "You couldn't have done anything, you have to stop punishing yourself." She tells me sternly.

I shrug her arm off me, I don't deserve her comfort, "You don't know what you're talking about Grace." I stand up.

She also stands up, "You're right I don't know so why don't you explain it to me."

I run my hands through my hair, "I can't."

"Look Cole, I love you bro, but you're a self sabotager, things are good right now, don't let your misguided guilt ruin it." Mia tells me.

I can't take them thinking I'm making myself miserable on purpose any more. "For fuck sake Grace, Mia, listen to what I'm saying. It's my fault Josh is dead."

"You didn't stab him Cole, it's that guy's fault!" Mia's getting frustrated and so am I.

"No I didn't stab him, but I should have been there, but I wasn't, yano why? you know why I didn't go to that fight with Josh? My best friend? because I was too busy sleeping with his girlfriend that's why."

They both look at me in shock. I sigh and sit back on the bed.

"I've never told anyone this."

Josh and that David kid had been arguing for weeks they finally decided to have a fight, I don't even remember why they hated each other so much but it's what we did, went to parties and got into fights.

"You're gonna be there, right bro?" Josh asked me.

"Duh, not gonna let you go yourself am I."

"Cool, some of the other guys are coming too, just incase David gets any of his friends to jump in."

I was ready to go, and Kaylie turned up.

"Please tell me you aren't going as well?" She scoffed.

I had always been in love with Kaylie, but Josh had the bigger cojones and asked her out first, So I had to be happy for my best friend and the girl I was losing my mind over.

"Of course I'm going." I tell her fastening my boots up.

"For god's sake Cole, I thought you at least had some sense."

"Why, because Josh is the dare devil out of the two of us?"

She shakes her head in annoyance. "No you dimwit, because he's heading down the wrong path in life and I don't want you to follow him!" She yells at me.

"Look Kayles, I appreciate the concern yeah, but save it for your boyfriend."

"Yeah, well Josh isn't the only one making bad life choices." She looks me in the eye and I realise how close we are, when did we become so close?

"Please, Cole, stay. For me." She whispers and rests her head against mine.

"I don't know how it happened but next  thing I know we were in bed together and Sean was calling me from an ambulance to tell me Josh had been stabbed. So, tell me again how it's not my fault." I furiously wipe away the stray tear making it's way down my face.

By the time I've finished my story Mia is also sitting on the other side of me, holding my hand in her own.

Grace wraps both her arms around me, "It's not your fault. Cole all the difference you would have made is potentially being another victim of that ass hole. And then what would I do huh? Imagine me being left with just Joey and Parker as my only brothers. The horror." She's trying to make me feel better but she has a point.

"If I had of gone, maybe David would have killed me instead, and I wouldn't have thrown that fucking party, and what happened to you never would have.." My voice breaks before I can finish my sentance.

"Don't you dare." Grace says through gritted teeth, tears streaming down her face. "None of that was your fault okay, you aren't responsible for any of it." Mia joins in.

"No, but my actions are, If I had of went then maybe Josh would still be here, with his family, where he belongs."

"It's not his family though, It's yours."