To Know More

24 | crime and punishment

"He's always been like that, don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it." 

Noah's voice broke my chain of thought, making me raise my gaze to find him looking ahead of him as if in deep thought. 

"But...why?" I asked, brows furrowed in confusion. 

"It's what he's constructed. The perfect reputation for the outside world. Trust me, he's wildly different when he's alone." 

And after that, Noah was silent. 

Something in his eyes was different. These past months, I had grown used to their fire, fury and contempt, but I had never quite witnessed the look his eyes held as he talked about his father - it held a storm even greater than the ones I had been privy to. It was new to me...unfamiliar.

I didn't like that. 

"It can't be easy," I spoke after a pause. "The gang, your father, the way he changes personalities when he's not around people." 

If this was any other day or situation, I wouldn't have dared to say anything to him about his family, much less try to comfort him, but owing to his - and my partial - drunken state, it didn't seem that big of a deal at the time. 

He seemed lost in his own web of thoughts. Moments passed before his lips parted, a slow yet steady string of words following right after. 

"The man who has a conscience suffers whilst acknowledging his sin. That is his punishment."

He was still looking ahead of him at the wall, almost as if he was addressing himself more than he was me. 

I couldn't help but gawk at him in, what I feared, was...awe. "Sin?" I bit out hesitantly, not sure exactly what he was getting at.  

My voice pulled him out of his state of thought, making him shake his head lightly and dismiss what he had just said. "Forget it." 

For the second time tonight, I found myself staring at Noah Carter, hard, trying to decipher what he had meant - who he was. What did he mean by punishment? 

The fixation of my gaze on him did not go unnoticed. 

"I don't want your pity, Amelia." He retorted, tone filled with stoicism and noticeable aggravation. 

I wondered if the prospect of being pitied was why Noah was so closed-off, why he had restricted himself to Chase and a myriad of meaningless flings. 

"I'm not offering it." I answered him back calmly. "But why are you calling yourself a sinner?" 

He turned his head to look at me, eyes assessing my face like I had seen him do so many times before. "Well, sweetheart, I'm in a gang, aren't I?" He brought back my words from earlier, enunciating when he said 'gang', partially mocking me. 

I lowered my head, embarrassed that I had let my fear of his potential activities be so evident to him. 

Minutes passed with it being my turn to be lost in my reveries, the peaceful stillness of the abandoned place providing the perfect environment for that. 

It was then that a sudden thought popped in my brain. 

"Crime and Punishment." It slipped from my mouth as if waiting to do so for a very long while. "'The man who has a conscience suffers whilst acknowledging his sin.' That's from Crime and Punishment, isn't it?"