Cherry On Top

19.1 | Mrs. Shin's Request

Chloe

Mar 29, 2014, Saturday.

Personal statements, SATs, recommendation letters.

The more I scroll through the application websites for some US schools, the more I want to bury myself in my blanket. The requirements are stressing me out. I feel so inadequate...

And my feeling of incompetency worsens whenever I think about RJ. She's so smart, so confident, and so put together, with all her goals thought out. She's so unlike me in so many ways.

Not to mention, the thought of leaving this country—the country I grew up in—makes me excited and queasy at the same time. I want to both squeal and puke my guts out. Instead, I grab the pillow and roll around on the couch.

My mom just has to appear at that moment with a bowl of cut fruit. "Chiarong, nǐ zěn me le?" Are you okay?

"Nothing, nothing," I say in Chinese as I sit back up.

Māma joins me on the couch and I snuggle next to her. Taking a piece of watermelon from the fruit bowl, I ask, "Are you excited about your surgery, Māma?"

"Of course. Thanks for raising so much money, dearest daughter."

"It's not just me, all my friends contributed." I help myself to another piece of fruit—honeydew this time—and lean my head on Māma's shoulder. "Māma... how would you feel if I applied to schools overseas?"

"For universities?"

"Yeah..." My voice turns into a whisper as regret kicks in. Why did I ask my mother that? How can I ever bring up something like this to my mother, when we spent all my life together, when she raised me by herself, when we only have each other?

"I would be so, so happy," Māma declares, shocking me with her unexpected enthusiasm.

I blink. "Wait, really?"

"Of course! The world is so big, Chiarong, you should get out there and explore. What better way to do it than during university?"

Exploring the world. That was exactly what RJ said as well. I stuff a piece of apple in my mouth. "You won't be... You won't be sad that I'm leaving you behind?"

"You're not leaving me behind, silly girl," Māma says with a chuckle. "Of course I'll be sad to not have you around, but I'll get used to it. I'll be happy if you are happy."

Every time Māma says something like this, tears threaten to flood my eyes. I flutter my eyelashes as I huddle in my mother's arms even more.

"I don't know... I'm scared," I admit. "I'm scared to leave home."

"Ah, I know how you feel." Māma gives me a knowing smile. "I was also so, so scared when I left Taiwan. But you know, while it's scary to leave your comfort zone, it's worth it for a bigger cause. If you need to leave, leave. Home is not a place you should be trapped in. Home is a nest for you to fly back to whenever you're tired of exploring. You can always come back to me whenever you get tired of the outside world."

I've never thought about it this way. "How do you know if it's worth it?"

"That's up to you." Māma pokes a finger at my chest. "Follow your heart."

I let out an exaggerated groan as if my mother injured my rib cage, much to her amusement. But I am also lamenting that advice. My heart is a mess of emotions, how can I possibly follow it?

"But where do you want to go?" Māma asks. "China? Europe? America?"

"I'm... not sure. I haven't thought about it." I feel embarrassed admitting my lack of knowledge, so I add, "RJ is the one who really wants to go overseas to study. She's got it all figured out and stuff. She asked me if I want to join her, but I... I haven't figured it out yet."