What If..?

Chapter Nine

|Song: Monsters-Timeflies|

As I kneel beside her, breathing heavily, I realize everything I should have before. I'm falling fast for this girl and have absolutely no choice but to either let things happen or just withdraw myself from her completely. She begins to laugh.

Without thinking, I leave her behind, running out of the room before exiting the building all together. I run straight for the one place I have never shown anyone, my solitary sanction. I run to the woods and straight out to the lake that I found a few years ago.

Though I manage to put much distance between us, I can still hear her laugh as it mocks me. I know it's probably just in my head, but seeing her laugh at me is something that hurts more than I ever imagined. I collapse at the edge of the water with my muscles feeling like they're on fire and my lungs struggling to get enough air into them as all that I can do is huff.

Finally, all of my unshed tears trickle down my cheeks as I stare at my watery reflection. It isn't until I hear a gasp behind me that I realize maybe coming out here wasn't the best idea. Hesitantly, I turn around, and my sorrow turns into flared anger before changing into embarrassment. The girl that I have dreamed about and wished for and even yearned for is standing in front of me.

"W-why did you follow me?" I ask, trying to wipe my tears away, but they keep flowing.

"Why did you run off?" She asks as she slowly moves forward.

I shake my head and turn away. How can I explain to her that I'm not someone she should be around? How can I tell the one girl that has only been around me for a few weeks and has already changed me from who I was before-closed off and letting myself slowly wither away-that I'm just an endless pool of despair. I cannot.

I sit with my fingers dipping into the water. "Have you ever wanted something so badly that it physically hurts to know you can't have what you yearn for? Have you ever just sat and wished upon a star for something one night and the next morning your wish came true, but you knew it was a wasted request?" I inquire softly.

"Niall, what do you mean?" She asks as she places her hand on my shoulder lightly and sits beside me.

I remain silent.

There we sit at the lake. Jade has completely broken my shield. I brought her to the one place I have never brought anyone, even if it was unintentional, and now it is no longer my secret place. It's ours.

Maybe I'm a little bit insane for feeling the way I do about her, but I can't help it. No one has ever cared about me the way she does. The feelings I have for her, they scare me. They scare me because they make me want to tell her all of my secrets, but I know that, if I do, she will see me as the monster I really am. She bumps her shoulder against mine. "Niall?" She asks softly, almost hesitantly.

"Yeah?" I return in the same soft tone.

"Why do you let them do that to you?"

"What?" I know what she means, but I don't want to have to answer.

"Why do you let them do it? Why do you let them hurt you?" She asks in the same soft tone but with more urgency to it.

I sigh. "Jade, I can't explain..." I trail off.

"What are you afraid of?"

I bite harshly at my bottom lip until a metallic taste invades my taste buds from the blood pooling on my tongue.

"Niall, you're hurting yourself! Stop!" She speaks frantically while gently caressing my face.

Releasing my lip, I turn my face away from her and reluctantly start speaking, "I do it because I deserve it. I made a huge mistake one day, and now I'm making up for it. I have been for the last year and a half, but I will never be able to make up for what I did." I refuse to let myself cry as I blink back tears.