FLATLINE| JK

thirty six

"That's what you have to say? Are you kidding me, Yoongi?" I exclaim, having trouble keeping my voice down. There's shame in Yoongi's dark eyes, and something along the lines of self-loathing. I want to tell Taehyung more than anything, he deserves to know. But the look on Yoongi's face makes my fragile heart change my mind. "I won't tell Taehyung."

"I--" Yoongi trails off, as if he wasn't expecting me to give in so easily. "Thank you, Bong."

"Don't thank me. I won't tell Taehyung, but you will." I demand, and Yoongi sighs, running a shaking hand through his hair. The nervous energy that had dissipated for a brief moment returns tenfold, and he begins to pace back and forth.

"No, I can't tell him. I know it doesn't make sense. I know it's...it's fucked up, but I really can't face him. You don't understand." Yoongi rambles, mind moving a million miles a minute.

"No, Yoongi, you don't understand!" I snap. "Taehyung is the most kind, beautiful soul I have ever met. When he cares for someone, he cares hard, Yoongi, and he cared for you. He accepted you for who you are, every part of you." I give him a pointed look, at which he stops dead in his tracks, knowing exactly what I'm referring to. I see his lower lip tremble, but I don't stop. "And what did you do in return? Not only did you break his heart, you lied to him. That, and you lied to Areum. They don't deserve to be caught up in your lies."

"Don't you think I know that?" Yoongi asks, his voice barely audible. He has a smile on his face, but it's humorless, sardonic. Empty. "Taehyung is...he's everything. Everything and more. He's brave, much braver than me. I know I hurt him, and I know I hurt Areum by hiding him, but I just...I can't, Bong Soon. You don't understand."

"Enlighten me, then! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go to Taehyung and tell him everything myself." I command. Yoongi bites his lip, in thought. The silence between us is thick and tense with words left unsaid.

"I grew up in the church." Yoongi finally speaks, and his eyes are wet with unshed tears. "My dad's a pastor. Areum is the daughter of one of the most loyal parishioners. We grew up in the church together." He looks to me then. "Have you ever been to church?"

"No, not at all." I reply. My mom was a little too busy getting high to ever take me to church, and nothing in my adult life has made me want to go. God seems like a scam.

"Well, when you're a member of a church, there's such an intense feeling of...community. If that makes any sense. You go, and you're in this huge group of people from different walks of life, all brought together by one common interest. And there's so much love. It feels great to be loved by so many people, especially when some of those people are your family." Yoongi explains. "It feels so great that you don't ever want to risk losing that love. Because, the thing about the love in the church is that it's so conditional." Yoongi practically spits the last word out, disdain dripping from his tone.

"One second, you're this amazing, lovable person, but if you make one mistake in the next, you're straying from God's path. You need to repent for your sins. You're going to Hell." He says bitterly. "I used to love my faith. I loved having this sense of security that always gave me hope when things were hopeless. I loved the community, the love. I loved it all until I realized how toxic it all is, how judgmental and hypocritical. I loved it, until I grew to fear it. It's really scary when people pick and choose which parts of the religion they want to abide by. First of all, every picture of Jesus is white, even though all contextual, biblical evidence points to him being middle eastern. The Bible says not to steal, lie, or cheat but people still do it all the time. Over the years, as the Bible has been translated from language to language, things have been misconstrued and twisted to manipulate people's beliefs, to push ideological agendas." Yoongi pauses in his rant for a moment, and for a split second, pain flashes across his features.

"In the 1800s, the Bible was originally said, 'Men shall not lie with young boys as he does with woman, for it is an abomination.' Leviticus 18-22. 'Boy molesters will not inherit the kingdom of God.' 1 Corinthians. Only in 1983, coincidentally the peak of the AIDS epidemic and misinformation about queer people, did an American company pay for an updated version of the Bible that said 'Man shall not lie with man, for it is an abomination.'" Yoongi explains, and by the time he finishes, his voice is shaking.

"So, pedophilia is a sin, not homosexuality." I clarify, trying my best to keep up with Yoongi's knowledge.

"Exactly. But they ignore that. They look right past it in favor of being hateful. I was never taught that in church. So, there I was at 16, looking at men the way I should have been looking at women and absolutely hating myself for it. I was terrified...of what might happen if people found out. I was terrified of myself. So I did everything in my power to change it. I thought if I dated Areum, if I ignored how I truly felt, then it would eventually go away. And, for awhile, it did. It didn't disappear, but I could manage it. I was happy, sort of. Happy not to be letting anyone down. My mom gave me her old ring, hinting at me to propose to Areum with it, and I did. For a while, things were fine."

"But then you met Taehyung." I sigh, finishing for him, and Yoongi nods, letting the tears at his waterline fall for the first time.

"And it was selfish of me, but I couldn't resist him." Yoongi admits. "It was the first time in my life I've ever let myself act on any of those feelings. It was amazing. Taehyung is amazing. But, I can't. I just can't. Now you understand why."

"Thank you for telling me, Yoongi, but you still have to tell Taehyung. As much as I want you to follow your heart, that's a decision you have to make on your own time. I won't force you to do that. But at least tell Taehyung about Areum. You owe him that." I say softly, the bite in my tone gone. Yoongi may not be in the right, but the world has wronged him too many times for him to be completely at fault.

"I know." Yoongi lets out a defeated sigh and wipes at his tearstained cheeks. "Yeah, I know. I'll tell him." The man offers me a hint of a resigned smile and goes to make his way inside, but before he can pass me, I grab his wrist. He looks up at me curiously.

"I'm rooting for you, Yoongi. I really hope you can be happy, truly happy someday. Someday soon." I say sincerely, sliding my hand down his wrist to squeeze his cold hand. Yoongi breaks into a smile, tainted with sadness, but a smile never the less.

"Ew, can you go back to being annoying? The thought of being nice to you makes me want to throw up." Yoongi snaps, but I know he doesn't mean it.

TADAAA an update! I hope you don't hate Yoongi too much, he's going through it, but now you know a little more about him!

hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think!!