Borders & Rules

Chapter 10

Kevin isn't at breakfast, and when I walk back into our room, I know why. He's packed his bags. He's just about to empty his drawer into his backpack, and his mother is standing at the window. I only look at him briefly. Then I lock myself into the bathroom again.

I sit on the cold floor, making myself small like yesterday night. I stayed here all night and couldn't close my eyes for hours before fatigue overcame me.

I'm not scared of Kevin. Much more, I'm scared of being left alone here, even if it's only for a few days. I'm mad, but I don't want him to leave. Only the thought of ending up alone terrifies me.

There are two knocks on the door and I wince. My throat tightens. "Mh."

"I'm leaving," Kevin says.

I stop my breath for a moment. "Okay." That's all I say. A long silence follows, making me scared he's already left. But I clearly hear his steps when he really leaves. I hear the door, and it feels like my heart is being crushed with it.

I just sit there and can't move. Just the thought of facing him or any other of the boys again makes my legs weak. I want to say goodbye. But I just can't bring myself to get up, unlock the door, look him in the face, and say 'goodbye, Kevin. It was nice to meet you.'

I try to silence the voice in my head that says run before he's gone. I sit for a few minutes, close my eyes, and I feel so weird. I don't know what to feel. Then I step out into the dull silence of my room and stand there, looking out the window. It's open, and a few birds are chirping. His bed looks like no one ever slept in it.

I sit on my bed, remembering how I entered this room a few weeks ago and my bed had looked like his. He was so shy. I put my hand over my mouth and start sobbing. I feel nauseous. Sick. And it burns in my chest. It's painful not to say goodbye. But I suffer more from remembering what happened yesterday.

Not that he betrayed me. No, more that he saw everything. Everything. He saw how disgusted Henry was. He was there, right next to me when Henry said those disgusting things. Said that this was what I wanted from Kevin. That I wanted him. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. But what makes me cry like never before is that Henry was dead right.