Borders & Rules

Chapter 6

Two days later, Mary asks me why Kevin and I stopped talking. She asks if we had a fight and what she missed. I just smile tiredly at her. "No, everything's fine."

But nothing at all is fine. My best friend ever ignores me, and when he looks at me, there's nothing but disgust in his eyes. It hurts. I was always afraid someone would look at me like that if they found out what my problem was. But Kevin doesn't even know that yet, and I've already lost him.

I think a lot about what he said. I'm confused. I was never in love before, and I'm a hundred percent sure that I'm not now. But I keep wondering, what if? What if that's the case? Would it be that bad? Would it be so bad that the way Kevin looks at me is justified? Is it so disgusting to be loved or touched by me? Am I disgusting? And I think hard about how to change that. I don't look at him again.

In the evenings, I no longer go to the TV room. I take my phone, sitting in my room alone. Then I get the stupid idea of googling.

"Faggot"

"Gay"

"Am I gay?"

"Is being gay bad?"

I read headlines like "Why homosexuality is abnormal", "What's wrong with being gay?" and things like "I think I'm gay. Please help me." When I click on a link and see a picture of two men hugging and smiling, I immediately close the tab and decide I'm not gay.

The following day, I have two things after class: First, a session with my therapist. I'm not very talkative these days, and he asks why since I usually always talk so much. I tell him about my argument with Kevin. Then I think, maybe I can ask him. He has to know his way around.

"I just don't understand why it's an insult and why everyone makes such a drama out of it."

"Well, many people say that it's not natural," he explains. "Because men are made to be with women. If they were supposed to be with men, then nature would have found a way to allow two men to have children, for example, don't you think?"

"What if they don't want children?"

"Oh," he laughs, "everyone wants children when they get older. The wish comes when you are married and in love at some point. Felix, do you feel like you could have this kind of problem? If that's so, we can talk about it."

I shake my head immediately. "No. No, of course not."

The second thing I have after class is another check-up. This check-up is probably the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me. The room is full of nurses and a doctor I don't know. I have to take off my pants in front of so many people and just stand there and wait while the doctor examines me down there, front as well as back. I feel like everyone is staring at me, and feeling the doctor's hands on me makes me shudder. I'm disgusted. I want to push him away and run and never see this man ever again.

When I come back, I'm alone in my room. I'm tired from the long day and just want to lie down. But a nurse calls me into the kitchen because I missed dinner. The kitchen is right next to the dining room. I can hear those laughing who are on kitchen duty. Kevin is there too; I hear his voice but don't pay much attention to it. I only notice it in passing.

Only when I hear my name, my body freezes. My hand stops on the way to my mouth as I'm already eating. A cold fear runs through me. Did I mishear? I carefully lower my hand. I realize they don't know I'm here.

"Yeah, I heard that too," someone says, and a thought makes me hope I misheard or they aren't talking about me anymore. "Wait, wait, listen to this! That's not the only reason he's here. Apparently he still pisses on his bed at night."

"What?" they roar with laughter. "Oh my god, what the fuck?"

"That's disgusting."

"Poor Kevin."

"Shut up," Kevin says. "I can smell it in the mornings. It's not nice."

"Oh fuck," someone says in shock. "I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

In that moment, all I wish is to be somewhere else. But there I sit, not able to move because I'm so scared they will hear me. I can't run away. I'm caught in this situation. I can just sit there and wait until they're done laughing and making the dishes. And when they walk out of the kitchen and notice me, they're suddenly silent, but I feel their eyes on me and hear one mumbling, "Did he hear us?"

And another hissing, "Shut up!"

The moment I enter my room, I see them running away from my bed, giggling. The new friends of Kevin. I guess some of them try to pull themselves together not to laugh but fail. I don't say a word. I clench my teeth and lie on my bed. And I just lie there and wait till they're done talking and laughing, and I can finally get some rest after this horribly long day.