fallible

question: a life without you?

It took me a week to realise you were gone for good.
I couldn't grieve the loss of you for a week but I still wanted to cry when I heard our songs on the radio. The silence I thought I was comfortable in is so unfamiliar now. I don't understand why I couldn't grieve for such a long time. Is it because my mind hasn't registered that you're really gone? Or is it because I'm still waiting for your call but deep down I know it will never come. I just can't understand. Is it really the end of us? We aren't even an us anymore it's just me with the deafening silence.

I never realized how much I doted on the good morning and good night texts you sent me. We never even got to meet each other as many times as I wanted to or was it never enough for me? I have so many questions that still linger in my mind but I have no answers to them. I know it was my fault, I pushed you away and held back my emotions just to keep you at a distance because I was afraid you'd see what a useless person I am. My world is burning and I'm okay with being the bad person in this relationship. It's not that I don't resent you because that would not make you human and I couldn't possibly love someone who is perfect. I loved every flaw you had but I couldn't love myself and maybe I should have known that I couldn't love anyone if I didn't love myself, but I don't want to believe that I didn't love you. Although the love I had for you was perhaps detrimental, I loved you more than I loved myself or anyone or anything in this world.

I called myself your lover, a term I thought was greater than "girlfriend" but I'm not sure if I ever brought anything positive in your life. You saved me once but this never ending sadness inside me didn't die. It always rears it's ugly head out of my depths and ruins me inside out. Did I ever love you right? I feel like I can't even remember anything about us. It hurts. I used to miss you so much but what I feel now is much more bitter and rotten. The pain that I have now come to realize is bigger than I thought it was.

I tend to escape my reality and  my pain because I am neither strong nor brave enough to face it. I am afraid and weak but I always thought you'd be my strength. I had always hoped you'd say I will never give up on us but on that day you did. You gave up on me and I know that isn't your fault but I can't help but blame you for it. It is so petty of me but please let me have this. I always hoped you'd make a mistake but you never did. Maybe I was your biggest mistake.

I still waited for your call and a text asking how I'm doing but it never came. I'm a woman waiting for her lover to return from sea but deep down I know you're lost at sea and might never find your way back to me. Will we be okay in the future? Will I be okay with a life without you? I can't even imagine the present let alone the future without you. What of all our promises? What will become of them? Will I be able to live a life without you?