måneskin; imagines

it is possible [d.d]

i can't get it out of my head. it's so strange and i can't get it out of my head, again.

"what is the square root of a 144?"

something's been off, but i don't know what nor why. this awful, unfamiliar feeling was erupting inside of me and it was irritating just because it was - unfamiliar.

"y/n? do you know?" my teacher snaps me out of my trance and i look up at her, a couple of the students' heads already turned my way.

"uhm, it's-" yeah, a good time to not listen now, idiot.

just say something, anything. even if it's wrong and stupid the class will get a good laugh. the teacher herself seems chill and she'd let it slide... hopefully.

"it's 12?" it came out more like a question than a statement.

"yes! great job, now what happens after we do that is..." i lose interest in her lesson immediately after that.

huh. i got lucky. at least something good came out of today, i didn't embarrass myself in front of everyone. call that a success.

as i watch students walk out of school 15 minutes later, i untangle my earphones, well try to, and put music on to calm my brain from everything.

the more i think about it, the more confusing it gets. how is it possible for this complication to enter my life when i have no place for it anywhere whatsoever? it just can't be.

or maybe it can, but i'm not seeing the whole picture. no, that still makes no sense. that void in my life is filled by damiano and there's no way this can happen now. especially not when i'm in a relationship with him. it feels so wrong, so so wrong.

even just thinking about it - how do i dare argument with myself in my head like this. i know it isn't true and i don't know why i'm wasting so much time worrying about it.

yet it feels so good. oddly good. exciting even. what if it is, you know? there's, allegedly, always a possibility. an unexpected one, for sure, but a possibility. god, i feel sick.

i open the door to damiano's home, i'm staying at his for a while, and get my shoes off my feet. he wanted me, well more like begged me, to live with him for a bit, since he's finally home and is gonna stay here for longer. of course i said yes, he's always on tour and not having him around can get damaging quickly. we're just making up for lost time, really.

but the sole fact that i was always alone gave me so much time to think about this conundrum i'm facing. it's never away, it always lingers somewhere deep within, making it unbearable to stay quiet sometimes. that's why i always blast my music on high volume and the neighbours at my apartment complex get annoyed quickly. well lucky for me, and for them - more for them actually, i am now in a gated community house, so i can blast shit as loud as i want it.

taking off the jacket from my body, i hang it on the coat hanger and make my way upstairs to dami's room.

i've been emotionally unavailable to absolutely everyone today, just preoccupied with my thoughts and my thoughts only. i should do something for myself, something calming to relax me from everything. i know i won't be able to hold these feelings inside for much longer, but for now, i'm gonna have to. damiano doesn't come home until later and i really don't have anybody else to talk to.