Countdown (Hanji Zoe x Leavi Ackerman)

Chapter 18

Hanji's Pov

Levi and I returned home two days later. I don't even know what I would do if he wasn't there... I love him so much yet I am a huge burden to him. He also took two days off just be able to be near me in case something else happened. Ever since then, Nanaba also was on standby to be there in Levi's absence. Fortunately, Mike was an understanding guy and he would often come with Nanaba to my place to look after me. And whenever they couldn't, Levi would take me to the bar with him.

Now, about a month had passed and my hand movement was reduced each day. I was starting to lose hope and various thoughts came to my mind. It's three a.m. now. Levi is going to be home in a couple of minutes, while Nanaba left about five minutes ago because she had to early classes tomorrow. I was patiently sitting on my wheelchair in the living room watching whatever was on TV. I wasn't really watching, as I was thinking about the events of the past days. Levi would overexert himself just to take care of me and when he finished, he would go straight to work. He was also not a person to sleep many hours. So, that made things worse. Lately, dark circles had formed under his eyes. He always pretends to be alright when he is around me, but I knew that somedays he was about to collapse. He had also turned to coffee, just to keep himself awake. Even when we cuddled, he would fall asleep and wake up minutes later worried if something happened. I can't stand watching him torture himself like that... I love him too much to see him suffering. So maybe, if I'm not around...he'll finally rest...

Those thoughts banged against my skull for quite a while.

"Maybe he would be better without me..." I whispered as tears rolled down my cheeks. "I only make him suffer. This disease makes him suffer. I suffer as well..." I said and slowly placed my hands over the wheels in the wheelchair. I used all my strength to move it towards the kitchen. After a couple of minutes, I stopped in front of the drawer that had the kitchenware. I slowly opened it and stared at its content. I placed my hand inside and picked up a knife. I placed it on my lap and kept staring at it. It's silver blade slightly shone a bit under the dim light. I felt tears on my cheeks as I slowly raised it above my heart. I started crying as I made a move to stab myself, but the knife stopped as its tip touched my shirt.

"Damn it!" I said crying as I started shaking. "I...I have too... yet I'm even a coward to do that..." I whispered as more tears fell from my eyes. I pulled the knife a few centimeters away from my chest and took a big breath. I wiped my tears and clutched its tilt to the point where my knuckles turned white and my hands where shaking. I gulped once again before turning to see a picture of Levi and I that was on the counter. It was from our date in the amusement park. Both our smiles where genuine back then...

I turned the picture the other way. I didn't want him to see, even though it was just a framed photo... I then placed my other hand on the tilt of the knife and brought it closer to my chest.

Levi's Pov

I was running in the street as it was pouring. I finally turned the corner to our house and quickly opened the door. Finally, after eight hours in that dirty bar and a heavy rain, I was finally going to see Hanji again. I walked inside and threw the keys in a bowl that was on the shoe case. I took off my shoes and jacket. I hanged my wet jacket in the coat stand and placed my shoes in the shoe case. I also placed my umbrella in its case, next to Hanji's. I thought Hanji was asleep, so I didn't make any noise, despite the fact that she was a heavy sleeper. However, I heard light sobs from the kitchen and the light was on.

"Hanji?" I asked as I walked towards it. I felt as if the ground was lost under my knees. She was crying as she was holding a knife just a few centimeters away from her chest. I screamed her name and rushed to her. She looked at me startled as I grabbed the knife from her hands and threw it away. She was frozen in her wheelchair as she refused to look at me.

"What the hell were you thinking!" I said both pissed and worried as I scolded her. She didn't answer, she didn't even look at me. I raised her head to make her look at me but she averted her gaze. I clicked my tongue in annoyance as I hugged her tightly.

"Why..." I said and tried really hard to hold back my tears. I couldn't stand to lose her. I can't... not now at least...

I felt her hands shaking as she placed them on my chest. She started crying on my shoulder. I gently removed her glasses and placed them on the table. I then wiped her tears and placed one of my hands on the back of her head.

"Hanji...why..." I asked as I couldn't hold my tears back any longer.

"Because..." She said and sniffled. "You are tired... and it's my fault." She said as her hands fell from my chest and landed on her lap.

"What are you talking about!" I said surprised. "The job is just-" I tried to say when she cut me off.

"Not just your job. Me as well. Actually, mostly me..." She said as she started shaking. "You are tired and it's because you take care of me..." She finished.

"That's no-" I said but she interrupted me again.

"IT IS! I'M JUST A BURDEN AND IT'S LIKE YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO TAKE CARE OF ME! YOU WOULD BE-" She said and it was my turn to interrupt her as I pulled away. Not with words, but with a loud slap. She looked at me shocked as she cupped her red now cheek. I was pissed and she saw that.

"How dare you..."I whispered and lowered my head as I clenched my fist and teeth. "How dare you say something like that..."I said pissed as tears fell from my face.

"WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!" I yelled as I raised my head and stared at her brown red and puffy eyes. "HAVE I NOT SHOWN HOW MUCH I DO? WHY DO YOU KEEP REJECTING ME LIKE THAT! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!" I yelled again as tears fell down my cheeks... Hanji saw that and tried to raised her hand but failed. I cupped her red cheek and looked at her. She was in so much pain that it hurt me as well...

"Why would you ever think that..." I whispered and buried my head to her chest and took her hands on mine. They were warm...

"Because you are tired from taking care of me...you don't get enough sleep after your job and there are dark circles under your eyes... When we lie together on the couch, you always fall asleep and force yourself to wake up a few seconds later worried. I can't see you like that...not knowing that this is because of me... You even replaced tea with coffee!" She said emphasizing the last part.

"It's true that I'm tired, but that's not because of you." I whispered not raising my head. I felt her leaning and resting her cheek on my head. "I enjoy taking care of you. You know that I'm not good with words and my actions speak louder... I wouldn't have asked to marry you if I didn't know what to expect. When will it get through your stupid thick and big skull that I can't afford to lose you!" I yelled the last part.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." She said as she cried. She tried to move her hands but she couldn't. So I placed them around my neck and she thanked me.

"Don't do something so stupid again..." I said and felt her kissing the back of my head. "I'm not asking you to be strong...I'll be there to pick you up if you break down, but please...don't do something like that to me..." I whispered and placed my hand around her waist. We both sat down like this crying silently hugging each other as the rain was violently hitting the window...

That was also the day, Hanji completely lost control of her arms.