Children of Night and Snow

63. The Power And Struggle of a Mating Bond

When I returned to our room completely exhausted, almost everyone else already left for dinner, except for Nolan. Aaron asked if I was going for a swim with the twins after, but I was too tired for it today. All I wanted was to crawl into bed next to Nolan and sleep through the night. As magical as our little party was the night before, it probably wasn't the smartest idea ever.

"Please love, go take a shower first, you smell awful," Nolan practically pushed me away when I ran up to him for a quick kiss.

"Well, thanks," I mumbled and gave him a pout. How rude. He never complained about my sweat when he trained me. I was pretty sure his problem was more in the scent of another male on my body. Especially after what happened this morning. Still I took a shower before confronting him.

"Nolan, what's the deal?" I asked when I walked out of the shower.

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

"You and Az. Does it bother you that he trains me? Are you jealous or something?" I asked, my second question being more of a joke than anything else. But his silence which followed spoke volumes.

"Oh," I managed to get out. So, that was the issue.

"Look, Freya, I know that we never really defined this... whatever this is between us. And I know you don't owe me anything. You haven't found your mate yet and..." I put my hand over his lips to silence him.

"There is no 'yet'. I told you this before," I reminded him.

"You can't know this. Just because you weren't born and raised here doesn't mean the Goddess didn't intend for you to end up here. Your mate could be waiting for you in Midnight City. Hell, it could be any of the guys. And we never discussed this really, but you are the best thing that happened to me since SHE died. I guess I just don't want this, whatever it is, to be over yet," he said. I could tell he was struggling to find the right words. The big bad wolf was at loss for words.

"Look if it were any of the guys, we would've known already," I sighed and sat next to him on the bed. I understood his frustration. I didn't know how to label what we were myself. We were more than friends, we slept together at least whenever we could have at least a little privacy, we acted like a couple. But there were no love confessions, no plans for the future, nothing like the bond mates are blessed with. There couldn't be. His mate was long gone and mine likely forever lost.

"That's not how mates work," he sighed, "you don't always know right away. For some it snaps into place much later than others and for some, very few, but they exist, it never happens at all. It's unusual for mates to meet and for both of them to know right away. A lot of it depends on where you are in life. Just because one is ready for such commitment doesn't mean the other is, too. Having a mate is the greatest gift Goddess bestowed upon us, but if you rush into it, if you're pushed into it, it can also become the greatest burden. That's why it's so rare for us to mate young. You have to be in the same place for it to happen the right way."

"How did you know your mate was... well your mate?" I asked and instantly regretted it. What if I brought back all the painful memories? If I did, he didn't show it.

"When I met her, I should have killed her. I shouldn't have felt anything at all for her. Yet, I couldn't. It was not love at first, I just simply couldn't hurt her. And I made excuses for it in my head. That it didn't matter, that she was just a human and wouldn't live long anyway. But then I found myself drifting towards her. Searching for her in crowds I knew she couldn't be in. And when we met again, I knew something was different. She smelled amazing and not in a delicious meal kind of way. Her touch would make me shiver. She'd leave me breathless by merely looking at me. It was harder and harder to not go and seek her out, to not touch her, be around her. And when we kissed for the first time, it stopped being me, all that was left was us."

"I resisted marking her, because I wanted to first find a safe place for us to live. It was an agony to be away from her. Now I know why. Mates aren't supposed to separate. Once the bond forms, it's impossible to walk away and move on. It's a double edged sword. On one side you have a companion forever. Someone who is your other half and who loves you unconditionally. On the other side, it changes you. Especially if your mate is different in nature. They take a piece of you and you never get it back. And if you lose them, there is this pit of darkness and agony inside your soul which can drive you mad. It drives me insane everyday. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a mate you actually got to mate with."

Nolan looked so vulnerable when he spoke of her. Of what he felt towards her. His lost mate. My heart ached for him. But I also realized that whatever we had, it really was just temporary. Because I could never compete with her. And I didn't want to. I wasn't jealous or angry over it. But at the same time, I wished I could know that feeling someday. To be the one instead of just the backup like I was to Collin and now Nolan.

***
So... any theories? Do you think you know Freya's mate? Does she have one?