Of Caverns and Casters ✓ [TLRQ #1]

Chapter 47 - Sean

I toss in bed, sleep more a figment of my imagination than anything realistic. Behind closed eyes dance memories of Leavi in the living room—coming down the stairs, twirling with Idyne, laughing...

The first thing I think of when I think of Leavi is the scientist. The vitalitist. The somewhat arrogant, cocky, sure-of-herself girl that saunters into any situation acting like she knows what's going on. Like she knows what she needs to do. Calm, organized, put-together. Mastera Riveirre.

But months spent in almost singular company reveals some things about her too. I've learned that she's not so confident. It's easier than I ever would have imagined to shake her world view. But not necessarily in a bad way.

I rearrange my pillow. I suppose it just means she's not an automaton.

Which is a good thing. After all, she's helpful when you're not injuring her pride. She's kind, funny, witty—at least, when you can get her to actually talk to you. But I think that has to do with whether she thinks you're on the offensive. Because she's good to everybody here, except for occasionally an extra-condescending Marcí.

Well, and me. She's made it clear plenty enough times that she has something against me.

So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with her pride getting injured. Maybe it just matters if she likes you.

I tug the blanket. It doesn't matter if she doesn't like me. We are partners in science. Albeit different branches, but ones that overlap more than I think she realizes. The science is all that matters—whenever she wants to leave the fantastical world that everybody else is living in, she'll come back to her science. And, for some reason, it seems she always comes to the same area I'm working in when she feels the need to focus. And I'm here, with the science. She doesn't need to like me. I don't need her to like me. We both just need to not let the illogical people we're around infect us. We need science. I close my eyes tighter, as if that could turn off my thoughts.

When Aster twirled her, her smile and shining eyes could have lit the room on their own. My eyes studied her simple dress, elaborate makeup, pinned back hair. Her free attitude.Tonight was the first time I've ever seen her wearing something like that. Something so... simple. Carefree.

Something about it all seemed more fitting. I feel like that scientist girl, that cockiness, isn't really her. Instead, it's a mask, and tonight, I think she took the mask off. She danced. Not a part-awkward, part-nervous, part-having fun dance like with Jacin. An honest-to-goodness dance, a letting go. She radiated contentment, and somehow, that felt truer. More real.

But never around me.

It's fine, obviously. I roll over. She doesn't need me, like I said, or I her. She didn't need to come greet me or whatever. That'd be stupid. I suppose I just find it interesting that she didn't even seem to glance at me.

It doesn't really matter. I'm not sure what I expected would come of it anyway. An awkward 'hello' on both sides, then silence until she walks away, upset with me once more? So it doesn't matter.

But maybe something would have come of it.

It never will, though. I'm not the kind of person she would want to spend her carefree, mask-off time with, and I get that. I don't suppose I'm easy to get along with like that.

Except for Idyne.

She actually seemed interested. Actually seemed like she wanted to pull me out of my presswrite and have a conversation with me, and not in that awkward, 'let's talk because I have something to say' kind of way, either. She actually talked to me. And for some reason, I let her.

So, when yet another song began, I also let her pull me into the middle of the room and drag me around. I didn't even hate it.

I pull my pillow over my face. So maybe it isn't that something is just inherently wrong with me. Maybe it isn't that I'm just an awkward, messed up guy that conversations don't come easily around. Maybe I was right before, and Leavi just doesn't like me.

And that's fine. We don't need each other. We just need each other to need science.