maple syrup | remus lupin [1]

86. happiness, safety & peace

That was until she finally found the ability to form words, and to say the thing that she had been avoiding for months.

"Of course I love you, you fool!" She exclaimed, and then both of them went completely quiet.

"You do?" Remus asked airily out of pure surprise and happiness.

"Of course I do," she said as she nodded her head. "I love you. I'm in love with you. But that is the thing that messes everything up."

"How could that possibly mess things up?" He asked.

"I'm sorry, I can't-"

"Please talk to me," he said, grabbing her wrist as she turned to leave. "Talk to me."

"It's just...I'm scared, okay?" She said. "I'm bloody terrified is what I am!"

"Why?"

"Because I love you," she said. "I...I just don't want to mess things up."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm scared of what I'll do to you," she said. "Shit always ends terribly for people who are around me."

"No they don't-"

"Yes, they do," she said. "I'm the reason Inez gets treated like shit in the hallways because a girl wanted to know my secrets. I'm the reason Betty cannot for the life of her be alone with boys anymore. I'm the reason why Sirius blames himself for something he couldn't control. I...don't want you near me because who knows what I'll do?!"

"None of those things were your fault," he said softly. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"I'm the reason my mum's dead," she said quietly. "I can't be the reason why you...die, or something. I can't put you in danger."

"But you won't," he said. "Who knows what'll happen? There's a war out there. I might get hurt walking down the stairs or going to get the newspaper for my dad. And, Claudia, you know what? I don't want you to give up on us. Because I love you, so much."

"I could never give you what you deserve," she said.

"And what is that?"

"Happiness, safety...peace," she said, her eyes flickering. "I-"

"That's bullshit and you know it," he said, cutting her off as he let go of her wrist.

"Remus," Claudia said with a sigh. "You don't get it."

"I do get it," he said as his face softened. "I'm sorry. But I'm positive that you're the one person who can make me feel truly happy. And safe. And at peace. So what you're saying is completely wrong!"

"You still don't get it!" She exclaimed, tears welling up her eyes.

"What is it I don't get?" He asked softly.

"I can't lose you," she said, her voice cracking slightly. "I can't lose you too."

"You won't lose me."

"But if he finds out he'll..." she trailed off. "I just can't take losing you."

"He won't find out," Remus said, cupping her cheek with his hand and wiping away some tears. "We can hide."

"But he'd probably find out anyway," she sighed. "I don't know if I can trust Nicolas yet. And, besides, I can't make you live like that."

"Like what?"

"I can't force you to go months during the summer without even knowing if I'm alive," she whispered. "I can't force you to not be able to have me meet your parents. Or go to a bloody concert with me, or..."

"Or?"

"I can't force you to not be able to have a future with me," she said, looking up into his glistening eyes. "I can't promise you anything. I can't promise that if you fall for me so hard that you want me forever, that you can have me."

"It's too late," he said.

"Remus..."

"I know we're 16, and trust me I know that I don't have loads of experience with love. But I know what it feels like. And I know that it's pshycially impossible for me to feel this much for someone again. I just know it, Claudia. I know that I love you more than normal people love. I know that."

"You deserve better," she said simply. "And that's that. You deserve someone who isn't complete chaos. Who won't continuously hurt you."

"You'll hurt me even more if you don't let me be by your side," he said. "And, besides, I'm complete chaos too. But maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe two chaoses can make a peace?"

Maybe two chaoses can make a peace?

"No one's ever made me feel this way, Claudia," he continued. "I want you. Despite everything. And I just want you to realise that."

"I know," she said. "But, still, I don't want to put you in danger."

"That's not your decision to make," he said. "I know that if they find out I'll be in danger. But I also know that I don't care. And I know that I love you."

Claudia couldn't respond to that. Because it really wasn't, at the end of the day, her decision. She couldn't decide for him that he wouldn't want to be with her because of it all - because he wanted to be with her despite it all.

And maybe, just maybe, Claudia had finally come to her senses.

Because maybe, just maybe, loving Remus Lupin would be the best thing to ever happen to her. And maybe she needed that. Maybe she just needed to let him in.

Maybe she just needed to allow him to have her.

"I don't know what to say," she admitted.

"Then don't say anything," said Remus. "Take your time. Think. Think about how much I love you and how much I want to do everything in my power to make you happy. Think about the fact that we can hide...that we can find a way to get through it. Together."

"Think," she repeated.

"Think," he said with a small smile. "I don't ever want to pressure you. But you have to know that I don't care about it all. I don't care about your father or your past or your anxiety or sadness. I want you no matter what."

And I want you too.

Claudia nodded, and then she pulled him into a soft hug, "You coming to the game tomorrow?" She asked in a whisper with her head pressed against his chest.

"Of course," he responded. "I've got to cheer on you, don't I?"

Claudia chuckled slightly, "I'm sorry for everything."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," he responded. "I get it."

The hug lingered for a little while longer, because neither wanted to let go. But then, as Claudia left, they could both feel a sense of certainty return.

Now all Remus could do was to hope that she wouldn't give up on them.

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