The evening turned into a celebration which carried us through the night until we all filtered off to our own places to sleep, except for me. I didn't find my way back to Wes' until the next morning. Slipping through the door in the early hours of the morning. Just a light on in the kitchen. I wasn't sure what James' and my rules were on how frequent to sleepover, so as everyone drifted off and grew quiet and James began to settle down sleep calling for him, I told him to get some rest and I'd be back later. Besides I was already planning on staying over after their birthday party and that was only a few hours away at this point.
The door clicks shut quietly behind me as I step out of my shoes. I no sooner bend down to stack them the way Wes likes when Grace sounds from somewhere nearby.
"Well look who finally decided to come back home."
I right myself, slipping around the small half wall to find Grace on the couch with a book in her hands. She smiles at me, warmly, a mother's smile and I let my shoulder's sag slightly.
"I was starting to think you weren't ever coming back." She carries on.
I let out a sheepish laugh, feeling heat rise to my cheeks as I shuffle my socked feet across the worn wood floors. Morning sunlight beginning to creep over the horizon, warming the window panes as it casts a glow across the top of Wes' piano.
"I was with James." I confess even though I know she knows.
She smiles, her hand finding my knee as I sit beside her on the couch. Her book gets discarded to the coffee table, her attention fully mine. A modest ring sits on her finger with a small wedding band, I swear she hasn't removed them since Ryan and she got married. It was just Wes and I and Grace's parents and Ryan's parents and sister at a small wedding in the backyard of Grace's house. It was perfect and intimate and exactly what I would want if I were to ever marry.
"I know you were." She says, "I just miss you is all. I feel like I just got you home and now you're off again."
I let out a laugh through my nose, adding "sorry".
And I am. Grace took me in without a moment's hesitation. She tossed a twenty some year long relationship away, for me. But even before all that, her house always felt like home. It always felt so safe. I'm hit with a bout of guilt, feeling selfish and oblivious to Grace and how she might have felt.
But Grace dismisses my apology. "You're doing exactly what you should be."
I can't let it go though. Sitting at the same couch that raised me through my teens, where I spent countless hours with Wes, with our friends playing video games. Where Ellie always used to perch herself on the floor at our feet, handing out controllers and demanding we play a game. And how Savannah always sat in the same spot when she walked in, so much so that we all designated it hers without any verbal confirmation. Where James and I would sneak looks at each other and share discrete smiles before we were out. And later where we'd sit with our hands laced watching a movie.
But the memory that hits me the hardest is my first night here after I came out to my parents. When Grace found me at the counter staring mindlessly at the wall. How I tried to hold my grief in but Grace wouldn't let me, holding me as I sobbed. How this woman that owed me nothing, has been everything for me.
"Thank you." Those two words can't even measure up to everything I owe to Grace.
Her fingers squeeze around my knee, "you're family honey, no need to thank me."
I've often wondered who I would have been had I grown up with Grace as my mom rather than my own parents. Maybe I'd be more like Wes, more comfortable with who I am and the things that set me apart from others.
"So how is James?" She asks.
The mere thought of him sends me smiling again. My heart beats happily in my chest, warmth spreading through my body. James is where I'm at peace the most, where the world seems conquerable when we're tucked into his apartment and completely free to be ourselves.
"He's good."
"You better bring his butt over here." She tells me. "It's been a minute since he's stopped to visit. I miss having you all here in the living room for movie nights and games."
She speaks fondly of our childhood, of having to put up with a house full of teenagers, most of them not hers. I miss those days too, parts of them at least.
"Did Wes tell you Darren and Ellie got engaged last night?"
I shift on the couch, sleep calling for me as Grace and I talk. The warmth of her shoulder presses into mine, my eyes growing heavy.
"He sent me a video. I love that they did it while you were all there."
Smiling sleepily, I give in and shut my eyes as I mumble "yeah me too".
Her hand reaches up, pulling my head to her shoulder where she gently runs her fingers through my hair. My curls are starting to become more prominent as it grows. I opted out of cutting it short again, I feel more like me with my messy curls. James always said he liked them better anyway.
Moving seems like a chore, tension and stress fleeing my body as I relax next to Grace. And with it goes my filter, my mouth disregarding anything of reason coming from my brain as I quietly whisper "I wish I was your son."
Grace let's out a deep breath, her hand never stopping as she kisses the top of my head and says "you are my son Brett".
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Did I mention there's only 5 more chapters?
