I spent a long time studying James and the guy in the picture. Memorizing his features, his dark hair and dark eyes and tan complexion. The dimples in his cheeks, the hint of a tattoo the dips out of the sleeve of the white shirt he has on. He looks Italian maybe.
Jealousy eats at me, creating this perfectly handsome, smart, successful, gay Italian man that loves James better than I ever could in my head. He beats me down, stealing all of my hope.
Of course James wouldn't stay single forever. Of course he'd find someone great, he's great.
But none of that stops me from remembering the name of the bar he's at, or looking it up. He's just a few blocks away, an easy few blocks. I played it out in my mind, crossing the street with a determined stride as I bounded through the door of the Crooked Bottle. It would take seconds for his eyes to find mine because isn't that supposed to happen when two people are in love. They can just find one another in an instant, drawn to each other with so much force that the universe can't stand in their way. I shove my way through people, past his perfect Italian lover and I kiss him, in a crowded bar without an ounce of hesitation. That this one, big, bold show of affection will explain myself to James and he'll understand that everything before this moment, all of the bad moments, none of them matter.
But I don't do any of those things.
Eventually I made my way back into the bar, back to Wes and his new friends. I settled into the couch, swapping my warm beer out with a fresh cold one that I nursed once more because getting loose with alcohol allows for slip ups and mistakes. Ones I'm too afraid to let out.
I've been entertaining Jessica as she sits too close, plainly flirting with me. Something that I should return if I want to appear straight but the thought of pretending to be into her makes me feel gross. Not because I can't recognize that she's pretty or because I find the female body gross, I don't. Women are beautiful. But that's as far as it goes. It's the leading her on, knowing nothing will ever come of it, that makes it feel wrong.
She laughs at something Ace says, her hand landing on my leg. My gaze drops to stare at it, contemplating how to remove her hand from my leg without too much of a fuss but I feel someone staring and as I lift my head to see who it is, my eyes meet Callie's. She gives me a sympathetic smile that makes me instantly grow uneasy.
"I bet you can't beat Ace at pool." Callie announces, cutting Jessica off.
The conversation pauses, Jessica's frame straightening and with it her hand leaves my leg. "Please." Jessica drawls. "I can beat Ace any day."
"Prove it." Callie urges, a devilish look in her eye.
I hide behind my cold beer, taking a slow sip as I try to shrink farther from Jessica if she doesn't take Callie's bait. Wes, Brian and Mack are oblivious to the rest of us as they play darts.
But Jessica bites and soon I'm alone on the couch, feeling every bit as out of place as I am. Wes' voice meets my ears, or rather, I hear one of his tics. It's reflex, ingrained into me, an old habit, to check on him. To try to gauge how he's feeling and what the tic means, if it means anything at all. But Wes seems fine, more than fine as he sends a dart into the board and celebrates as it hits the center of the board.
"I knew at some point I'd find you." The couch sinks beside me and I turn to see Callie.
She smiles, it's a warm gentle smile as she spins her drink in her hand but my mind is racing trying to figure out what she means. What she knows.
"W-what?" I stammer.
She holds her hand out saying in an upbeat tone "it's nice to meet you emotionally unavailable, I'm emotionally damaged."
I shake her hand, trying to process her words as quickly as I can.
"An ex? Still hung up on them?" She asks and I find myself nodding as I mutter "yeah".
She presses her lips together, humming her acknowledgment as she says "what'd they do? Cheat?"
"No." I take a drink, a bigger one than I have been so I can flush down the truth. "They didn't cheat."
She groans, looking over at Ace and Jessica as they circle the pool table. "That's the worst, at least if they cheated, you could hate them." I could never hate James, the question is whether he hates me. "Jessica will stop flirting eventually. She's just trying to get Ace jealous."
Callie's dark eyes are like a mirror in the lighting, reflecting all she sees back. She's quite beautiful, with smooth skin and soft features, except her cheekbones. She's probably one of those girls that always looks put together, like she does now, the type of girl that seems to have it all together.
"Are they a thing?" I ask if only to keep the conversation moving away from me.
Callie smiles, rolling her eyes until they meet mine again. "Jessica doesn't know what she wants and Ace is smart enough to realize it."
I haven't quite figured Ace out. My eyes find the pool table where Ace is bent down close to the table, stick poised and ready and Jessica watching. There's something about Ace that's intriguing, attractive but also I'm not sure if I should be attracted.
"Ace is non binary." Callie says, an amused look on her face.
It makes sense, how at times tonight Ace's features easily bridged the gap between feminine and masculine, their mannerisms easily fluid. I don't know what the correct terminology is, if non binary people like the terms but from the moment I saw Ace, I thought they were handsome. I look down at my lap, feeling embarrassed for staring and uneasy with Callie's casual way of bringing up things that I consider personal. Very personal. I would never introduce myself and follow it up with anything that might make me different, I'd probably combust first.
"Oh." I don't know what else to say, old thoughts infiltrating my mind. My dad's voice disgusted with ideas of gender fluidity and anything other than cis gender.
It instantly feels wrong to have found Ace attractive.
"They're also bi." Callie leans closer as she says it.
Our eyes meet, fear clamping down on my throat. I can't tell if she knows, if she knows I'm gay. If she knows I thought Ace was a guy and I found him attractive even if I'd never actually pursue anything.
The couch dips on my other side though before anything else can be said, Wes tics, hitting me in the process.
"Fuck off! Sorry." He says before whistling. "Having fun?"
"Y-yeah." I squeeze the words out of my lungs, urgently bordering on frantic and Wes looks at me harder.
I know what he's doing. I've been doing the same to him. Trying to figure out if we can still read each other as well as we used to.
"Oh let's get a picture!" Ace shouts, abandoning their pool stick on the table after they sink a ball. "Squeeze together!"
I find myself smashed between Callie's back and Wes' chest as we all shift on the couch to angle toward Ace who has their phone stretched out in front of them. If I was straight I'd be focused on the smell of jasmine that fills my nose as Callie's hair falls down her back and across my shoulder, or the fact that her arm rests on my leg where she leans into it. Or the smile that she gives me as she shifts closer but I'm not straight and my thoughts focus on the warmth of Wes' chest where my shoulder presses into it. The way it's strong and steady and his heart beat thuds methodically. I hear his laugh, the rumble of his chest as his voice reverberates inside of it as he speaks and my heart leaps in my chest.
For just a moment, my mind replaces Wes with James.
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Wes has new friends! What do you think of them all?
