My head hurts, the leftover effects of hard emotions.
I have no right to be this upset.
I knew this would happen when I didn't accept James' ultimatum. But it hurts and it stings and it leaves me feeling raw.
Wes is home, the piano filling the space around me even though I'm still locked in my room, avoiding my gaze in the mirror that sits over the dresser. I don't want to see my swollen splotchy eyes.
My glasses are discarded on my bed beside a book I took a lame attempt at reading. I haven't been able to read a good fiction book in a long time, they all seemed to be filled with romances. And love only makes me think of James.
I ignore a call from my cousin Gerry. We aren't close but ever since I moved back he's been trying to reach out. Sending me texts here and there. At some point I'll see him, at my Uncle Chris's probably or maybe I'll cave and agree to meet up feeling guilty for all the times I declined. But the guilt hasn't set in yet and I'm too busy drowning in a puddle of self pity and heartbreak.
The piano comes to an abrupt stop, mid chorus and it's silence instantly catches my attention. I wait, sitting quietly as I listen in. I've known Wes long enough that the piano is not only a passion but a reprieve and noticing the moments when it's one or the other. He didn't seem unusually anxious, though our exchange was brief, as I hid away in my room.
I'm waiting for something to tell me why he stopped. He didn't finish playing the piano, he was interrupted, I know that much. My heart rate starts to climb as I breathe quietly, staring at the door as if I might be able to see through it.
I hear him tic, a muffled exchange with someone else and it's enough to get me off my bed and through my door. Stepping out into the hallway I see Savannah as she breezes past Wes, dutifully taking care of her shoes for Wes. He checks them anyway as she calls my name
through the house.
Savannah is beautiful. If anything she's just grown into her looks and sophistication.
"Hey Sav...
I don't get to finish my greeting, her anger meeting me with full force as she yells "what the hell is your problem! Why are you doing this to him Brett?".
This is probably long overdue. Physical distance is the only thing that truly stopped it. But now that I'm back home, it was only a matter of time before Savannah would come for me. I'd expect nothing less.
"You are just messing him up. He finally started to get over you!"
My eyes meet Wes', as he stands stuck between Savannah and the door, wondering if all our friends think this. If, while I've been away, they've all talked about how much I messed James up, how much I hurt him. If they all agree.
"I.." I want to defend myself, tell her that I didn't know James was going to be at the store and if anything I'm just as messed up if not more but her anger flares.
"No if you care about him, if you really care about him like you say you do, you won't do this to him Brett." She jabs her fingers at me accusingly.
I never meant to hurt James, the last thing I wanted was to hurt him. But fear has a way of bottling you up until all you cause is pain.
"I'm not trying to hurt him, Savannah." I say it quietly, knowing that my words don't really mean much when my actions can't back them. "I love him."
I do love him. He's the reason I came out to my parents in the first place and the reason I uprooted my life to move states away in hopes that I could be the person he wanted me to be. I failed at it, miserably. And he's the reason I came back.
Savannah takes a deep breath, her gray eyes shimmering with determination as she squares her shoulders off defiantly. She doesn't know it but she can be intimidating when she finally puts her foot down.
"Then you either stay for good or you leave for good, there is no in between Brett."
There's finality to her words, hitting me with so much force it nearly knocks me back. The thought of leaving for good is a frightening thing in my mind because James is my light. He's everything and I love him and I'm desperately trying to have the courage to be the man he deserves. But I've never been good at being courageous. I've never really been good at just being myself.
Savannah leaves just as fast as she came, her and Wes exchanging words that get muddled in my thoughts because my thoughts are reeling. Could I walk away? And never come back? Is that even something I thought was a possibility?
I've lived so long dreaming up fantasies where I could love James wholeheartedly and unashamed. Where fear didn't eat me alive, where I didn't suffer from extreme internalized homophobia rather I just loved who I loved without ever second guessing it.
I want that.
I'm just not sure how to achieve it.
