The Long Lost Mafia Princess

Chapter 49

"It's chocolate, the calories and than the sugar. It's unhealthy and..and I-....I just can't do it" I said more tears falling.

"You can eat that kind of food honey. You can eat some unhealthy stuff once in a while, that's okay. You know you need sugar to live too right? You can eat those things. We all eat that too and we're still healthy why would it make you unhealthy. Why are you so scared of the sugar and the calories"

"T-they make you gain weight and than I-I'll be even more fat, I can't eat those kind of things, I don't deserve it." I cried more tears building.

"You can eat those things, I promise. If you workout and eat healthy than it is more than okay to eat unhealthy once in a while. And those stupid calories don't matter baby. Just try, even if you end up eating only a bite that's okay, that's good than you already made progress. You need food baby, definitely if you're working out all the time."

"You know?" I asked, how does he know about my own workout sessions?

"Of course I do, I'm your father. I know that you've been working out every morning sometimes even in the evenings and than also with your brothers. Working out is good, but baby you're doing it too much right now. You need to be careful, it can damage your body more than it'll do good. You can work out baby, but you can't be doing it too much and even if you continue you will need to eat baby, you have too."

"I can't-....I can't stop working out dad. It helps, it helps so much. It helps with the urge to cut, with burning of those calories, it helps so so much. I-I can't just give that up. Remember that day, I didn't workout just to try. It was one of the most horrible days that we've been through in this. I needed to cut, the urge was so so strong that I almost couldn't resist, but knowing the disappointment that I would face from you guys and myself took just a little over, if Xander didn't stop me from picking up that knife again than.... I can't stop working out."

"I know....I know that it's your new found release, but be careful. I don't want you working out until you drop 2 or 3 times a day honey. That's dangerous, really dangerous. You can workout, but maybe we can make sure that you're not overdoing it. You can keep working out, but maybe not as much as you're doing now. Maybe workout once a day, if you really have the urge twice. Okay?"

I gave him a reluctant nod.

"Now, the chocolate. We're going to try okay."

I nodded, "try"

He gave me a smile before pulling me into a hug.

I don't really know why, but I suddenly started breaking down.

"Why is this all so hard" I cried out.

"I don't know baby, I don't know. But what I do know is that you're a fighter, you'll-we'll get trough this together"

He started rubbing my back making me cry more, "why me? Why me? ....Why am I going through all this, I need it to stop. I can't keep doing this dad..I can't" My voice broke in the end.

"Shhh shhh It's okay, let it all out. Let it all out. You're okay, you're safe here, with us. I don't know why baby, I really don't know. But I love you principessa and I'm helping you get out of this place" He cooed.

"I love you too dad, I'll always love you and the others. Even if I don't make it out alive, I would still love you all more than anything." I cried.

"Don't say that, it'll be okay..it'll be okay. You're going to make it, just hold on, just hold on. Please, just hold on. You'll be okay...eventually." Dad said, tears falling from his face too.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be, just try please principessa. Just try that's all I'm asking you. Just try" He cried hugging me tighter.

I'm falling apart.

Why am I like this, I just want to be happy.

I need all the pain to stop.

They say they give the hardest battles to the greatest soldiers, but the thing is, I was never a soldier, I'm still just a kid and I don't know if I'll survive this war.

I've been fighting this war for a long time now, and I'm tired..I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of it getting better and then it all getting worse again.

I don't think I'm going to make it.

I keep trying and trying but I know eventually all the trying will stop.

I'm slowly dying each day more and more, I can ignore it for a while but it will always come back.

I'm just tired,

So tired;

Tired of living.