Before you go

Chapter 27

Ben.

I felt strange, I wasn't happy and I wasn't exactly sad but I felt okay. Seeing lily in that dream felt so real, like I could've reached out and touched her. I'd never had a dream like that before, I know some people believe dreams are signs and people you've lost can visit you in them. Maybe it was her, her telling me I'd be okay. I'd like to think it was.

I was completely lost in my own head when I got down to the lake, to my surprise Felix, Wanda, James, Beth, Owen, Harry and Ginny were all sat by the waters edge. I smiled seeing them sat there, a real smile the first real smile I'd had since lily died.

Maybe I will be okay.

"Hey guys." I said sounding brighter than I had.

All 7 heads flicked up hearing me as they mustered up the best smiles they could while I sat on a log next to Felix.

"Sorry for leaving you up there man, I just couldn't stick it out in there anymore." Felix said sounding guilty for going without me.

But I wasn't upset.
"It's all good Felix. I get it, besides Lily told me to come here." I said lighting a spliff.

They all looked at me when I said that like I was crazy.

"What'd you say?" Beth said gently.

"I fell asleep or at least I think I was asleep, and Lily was there she spoke to me and when she left I asked her where she was going. She said here." I said as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

My friends didn't question it seeming to understand what I'd said to them as we sat there smoking and drinking, just like she would've done on an evening like this. Even if they did think it was strange they didn't bring it up, for my sake.

We all sat in a makeshift circle talking lowly amongst ourselves, it looked like a scene out of a 90s college movie. But it was real, everything that happens was real. Looking over the water a memory flashed before my eyes:

March 2014
Mr Davies stood in front of a class of 22 15 year olds trying to get us interested in some author I'd never heard of.

"Okay seeing as none of you want to volunteer to give a quote from any writer. I'll call on one of you"
The whole class groaned as his eyes flicked across the room.
"Lily." He said loudly. But she didn't say anything.

"Felix wake her up." He groaned looking at the sleeping girl.

"What?" Lily numbed as Felix whispered to her. Lily's head slowly came up from the desk and looked blankly at Mr Davies.

I couldn't help but laugh at the confusion on her face.

"And that is why we don't sleep in class-" but lily cut him off.

"The truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."- Mark Twain.

Mr Davies like the rest of the class looked slightly stunned that the sleeping girl had actually come out with an answer for him.
I couldn't help but smile at her.
Lily's eyes flicked over to me catching me smiling at her. She pulled an unreadable expression before looking away but I could of sworn I saw a tiny sly smile back to me.
***

I smiled as I thought of that. Realising it was the first time she smiled back at me. Funny how fitting her quote was. You couldn't write up a girl like lily if you tried and even if you did it wouldn't do the real girl much justice.

"Have I ever told you how me and lily became vfriends?" Ginnys quiet voice popped up and pulled out of my thoughts.
As she took a long drag off of her spliff.

I had wondered.

"Nope I don't think so." Felix said sounding abit more like his usual self, but there was still a lack of joy.

Ginny smiled at him as she blew a cloud of smoke away.
"I was in the bathroom with Sarah, we thought it was empty aside from us. She was talking down to me and not so subtly taking the piss out of me. When she left I started crying, my grandma had died that week and Sarah's comments sorta pushed me over the edge." She said taking another long drag, blowing the smoke across the water.
"Then I heard a stool door unlock and lily came out. I half expected her to laugh at me you know make fun of me for crying. We'd never spoken before and if I'm honest she scared me abit." Ginny laughed sadly making the rest of us smile.

"For someone that tiny, she was scary sometimes." I laughed softly  making the others smile.

"But she didn't. She told me to stand up for myself and just because Sarah made me feel weak it didn't mean I was. She hugged me and then brought me out to the back path and I smoked my first spliff. She made me forget why I was upset in the first place, she was good at that making people forget. Even when she was hurting." Ginny continued as she passing the spliff to Beth.

"She had so much love to give, but she didn't know how to show it. But you brought it out of her Ben." Was the last thing she said before leaning onto Harry's shoulder.

I never realised just how much Lily meant to each person sat here, until now that is.

I smiled at the pair of them while Ginny sat with an unreadable look on her face.
It wasn't long until the sun started to slip below the tree line casting long shadows across the water as it reflected the lilac sky above.

I felt truly at peace, I wasn't sure if that was normal. How are you supposed to feel when your girlfriend dies? I keep catching everyone giving me sideways looks like they're waiting for me to freak out or break down crying. And If I'm honest i was kind of waiting for that big moment as well. But grief isn't like what they show in the movies, it's complicated and I don't have a half a clue what's going on inside my head let alone in the real world.

Looking over the water I stood up from my spot on the log and walked over to James who was smoking where the pontoon met the bank of the lake.

"This would be a good spot." He said putting one hand in his pocket clutching his spliff in the other.

"Good spot for what?" I asked taking it out of his hand like he did to me earlier. While we stood at the shoreline.

He smiled as I took the spliff from him.
"The bench. This is a good spot for it." He said looking over the water.

"Yeah you're right, here's perfect."I said following his line of sight over the serene water.
"She loved this spot."

"So did he." James said with a sad smile as he spoke about Ronnie.
I was surprised that he brought him up.

"What'd you think they'd be doing right now?" I asked him as I handed back the spliff. Running my hand back through my messy hair.

"Ronnie and Lily?" He said.

I nodded in reply.

"Right now they'd be sat there, feet hanging in the water Lily leaning on his shoulder with a bottle of wine in one hand and a spliff in the other. While Ronnie would be the same with a beer." He said pointing to the end of the pontoon.

Now I get why he pictured her there.

We stood there looking at the pontoon for a good few minutes before going back to everyone else.

Everything will be okay.