𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐖𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐄 ; 𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘬𝘢

002 | NOIR

tw: angst // losing a loved one
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The world stopped spinning for just one second. Everything seemed unreal. Like a dream. No. Not a dream. More like a nightmare. Mikasa wanted to pinch herself. She wanted to wake up from this cruel world. That's all she wanted to do. The night felt colder. Emptier. Armin tried comforting her but everything he said sounded muffled. Her heart was full of nothing but regret. A few minutes passed by. Mikasa didn't move. She didn't want to. No. More like she couldn't.

Her life felt so pointless. What was she doing here? In a world where she didn't belong. Mikasa couldn't stand but she did. Her knees felt weak but she steadied herself. "I'm tired. Let's go back." She said. Even her voice had no meaning. No sound.

Mikasa and Armin walked down the hill in silence. They rode the bus in silence. Walked home in silence. Every step Mikasa took felt like knives stabbing her feet. They both arrived in front of the bakery, the music blasting from inside. "Do I have to do this." Mikasa asked Armin. He understood immediately.

"No. You wanna go home?" He asked, softly. Mikasa nodded. Armin nodded as he called for a taxi, waving his hand out. Mikasa just watched him. His nose was red. His face was flustered from crying but the brightness in his eyes remained. How did he do it? Suffer so much misery but stay positive? Didn't he ever lose hope?

Mikasa felt her heartbreak into more pieces. Armin finally succeeded in grabbing a cab. The two of them entered as Armin gave the taxi driver the address to Mikasa's house. The house her parents had been murdered in. The house that held tragedy. Mikasa vaguely looked out her window, looking at the blurs outside.

She didn't even notice when Armin started nudging her arm. "Hey, we're here." He said. Mikasa looked out the window. There it stood. Her house. "Oh, yeah right." She weakly said. She grabbed her stuff and got out of the car. Both Armin and Mikasa walked up to the front door. She grabbed around her bag, searching for the keys Levi had given her earlier today. Once she had them in her hands she fumbled around with them until Armin grabbed her hand. Mikasa looked up. Not once had she met his eyes until this moment.

His icy blue eyes were wide, full of worry. "I got this." He said, unlocking the door, not taking his eyes off Mikasa. They both walked into the house. Mikasa took one glance at it and started walking upstairs. "Hey, Mikasa! I think I should stay the night!" Armin shouted. "Yeah, do whatever you want." Mikasa mumbled as she walked to her room. She closed the door behind her as she lay her back against it. Her eyes examined her room, eyes jumping from object to object.

Her room was covered with grey walls. Artworks made by her younger self hung against the wall on her desk. On there was a big heap of yarn and little dolls she had made. Her little crochet animals were all neatly organized on her twin-sized bed. Everything in her bedroom still remained the same. This one thing.

"Oh." Mikasa croaked, her vision becoming blurry with tears. She had finally reached her limit. She slowly found herself curled up on the floor, the tears falling on her shirt quickly. She felt like a cup. A glass cup. One where she held the water to the brim but just happens to shatter into a million pieces, letting all the water spill.

Mikasa started grabbing anything in her way and threw them across the room without thinking twice. Some things shattered. Others just lay pathetically on the floor. She screamed and yelled. She cried and hurt. The most painful thing was the realization. It was her fault. One way or another it always fell onto her.

Mikasa found herself standing in the middle of the room, the words Your Fault mocking her. He broke his promise but Mikasa broke it first. The worst part was that she couldn't apologize. Because he was dead. Mikasa climbed on her bed and lay there, staring at her walls. She still couldn't accept that he was dead. But she could accept that it was her fault. Tears started to slow down as the burning in her throat became stronger. Her tears slowly entered her mouth, the taste of salt alive in her mouth. Her chest tightened. The anxiety on her chest spreading to her whole body.

As Mikasa grieved silently she heard her door creak open. Light from outside spilled into the darkroom. She heard the footsteps echo through the room, her head pounding. She didn't care to look at who it was for she assumed it to be Armin. "Hey, Mikasa?" She heard a small soothing voice call out for her. It wasn't Armin. Mikasa tried to get up to check who the voice belonged to but she couldn't work herself to do that.

The person walked closer and into Mikasa's view. Her eyes focused on his face. It was Jean. "Armin told me... you know." Jean sighed. Mikasa just stared at Jean. The room fell silent. Mikasa's tears dried up, her nose runny. "I'm sorry for your loss," Jean whispered, stroking his fingers on Mikasa's cheek. "I know how you feel." At his words, something turned on inside Mikasa. She smacked his hand away and sat up straight, looking at Jean. He stared back with an eyebrow raised, confusion clearly written on his face.

"Don't touch me! You don't feel sorry. You don't feel sorry at all! You couldn't care less if Eren's dead. To you, he was just an obstacle in your way! He was never someone you cared about! So you can't go around saying you know how I feel because you don't! You don't know an ounce of what I am feeling. Eren was the love of my life and now I come back to hear that he's dead! You never felt sorry you bastard!" Mikasa screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"If I could, I would burn this stupid world to ash if it meant I could have him by my side right now." She finished, her throat feeling tight. Her breaths came out jaggedly as she bit the inside of her cheek as hard as she could. The taste of blood filled her mouth. Jean looked at her without an expression on his face for a long time. Both of them just stared. The moonlight peaked through Mikasa's window lighting both of their faces. Mikasa's pain was now visible to Jean. He dropped his head and sighed.

"Mikasa," He began.

"It's obvious you're still stuck in the past."

Those words dug like daggers into Mikasa's skin. Her eyes burned. "But I want to make something clear. I love you." He took her hand and placed it under his. She looked at him but he wouldn't look back. "I always have." He paused as he looked up at her, his eyes burning into hers. Mikasa saw the corner of his lips rise. "So I will do anything to win your heart." He finished.

Mikasa sat still. She couldn't say anything. What could she say to that? She stared, his words still echoing in her mind. He stood up, looking down at Mikasa. "Sleep well, my love." He planted a kiss on her cheek as he swiftly moved his lips to her ear. He raised his hand and placed it on her other ear, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Stop acting so immature and grow up. He's dead. Now move on with your life." Mikasa's eyes widened. He stayed still in that position as Mikasa held her breath in. She wanted to say something. She wanted to protest. But she stood quiet.

After a few moments, he untangled himself from Mikasa. Jean started walking towards the door. He looked back and smiled at her as he closed the door behind him. Mikasa let her breath out, letting the tears spill once again. She pressed her hand against her mouth feeling nauseous. She tried to breathe. Her stomach felt empty but heavy as her mouth became extremely watery. A few minutes passed by. Mikasa had managed to calm herself. She lay back down on her bed. Jean's words started to replay in her mind.

'So I will do anything to win your heart.'

Mikasa scoffed. "I'm not a trophy." She whispered.