STRANGER; 낯선 사람 - taekook; vmin

14. wings are made to fly

"To all the gone people who have taken my flesh and away with the solitude that robbed you from this Earth: I am selfish to want you all to myself, for I have no one but darkness to take care of. I have my soul to bear ㅡ and that is heavy enough. So allow me to strip away from souvenirs that no longer serve me, and play on the grass over my father's body with a light mind when I say: human is all one can be, and through my humanity, I shall forgive. Myself. If not, repent."

My hand let go of the pen that fell over the clumsy, shaky handwriting that came out of me, through my nervous twitches and quick breaths that slowly died down as my mind focused on writing unfiltered words. Through my own message, I witnessed a small step towards what I sought: comfort, peace, and forgiveness. Two days after I visited Doctor Kang, this is how I avoided a panic attack for the first time.

In the middle of this endless ocean sucking me in, it was him who was pulling me up; I was born again in our little secret, knowingly an accomplice to our heinous crime ㅡ the very source of my lust. I floated in deep waters and he had the power to hold me afloat, delicately swinging me around at his own will, and Jeon Jungkook was aware of his riveting effect on me, he knew how to play my cards well. My lips told him lies night after night, but neither of us wanted to believe them, for it felt too good to be wrong. 'We can't see each other any longer' was a mantra that meant nothing.

I saw a beautiful lie in his face every time he showed up at my office with some half-thought excuse to borrow a book, and then to give it back two days later. He saw a beautiful lie on my face when I called and asked if he had a painkiller he could give me, and then showed up twenty minutes later in my classroom holding a drugstore paper bag. Jungkook turned the pitch-black grief inside of me into onyx, and from onyx I became indigo. Still very much sore, but reminded of my greatness.

He has become a piece of peace where my mind goes blank and I can focus on someone else for a moment, drive away from the deeper things that haunt me, and substitute those for a lighter, more bearable angst. His fingertips were a haven that I let myself get lost in two, three, four times, as many times as I could, and yet, it wasn't enough. If there was peace, there was angst as well.

My favorite moment with Jungkook is when we are lying on my sheets, baring ourselves and still sweating from our endless intimate hours. Sweating, but not panting. It was that stillness afterward, when we had already caught our breath and our skin had turned sticky, and we'd have a conversation while we innocently played with each other's bodies. Jungkook would cover his with my thin sheets in order to stay comfortable while being bare, so my hand always found itself in his hair in times like these, and he enjoyed to softly trail his fingers on my torso and around my nipples just to see the baby hairs bristling. He was always entertained to see the physical reactions he caused me, and within our infinity, I amused myself for a few seconds to think that we could be happy.

His eyes turned to me one night like this, when he had worn me out, and asked with big quizzical eyes. "Have you ever loved a woman?"

And he got me thinking of a summer night, similar to the one we were standing under.

"I have", I fondly replied. "I know for sure that I have loved one woman in my sorry life."

"You don't seem to hold any grudges."

"I really don't, she is the best thing that happened to me. She was Seo Ye-ji", I shamelessly confessed with a melancholic smile.

Jungkook gasped, shocked like a fool and I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction. "Daebak Taehyung-ssi! I didn't know you were exes!"

"We're not", I said amidst laughter, a reaction that came easily with him. "Nothing happened, she was just this monument of a being ever since she was a little girl, so she was my first love."