MY YEARS WITHOUT YOU

Part 75- May, a month after 48.

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Guys here we go again.

"That young man should know about his child Amara"

Mum's words rang in my head again as I lay on my bed with Chi-nyelu lying close.

I knew she was right.
Every month that passed by, she'd keep reminding me till it registered in my subconscious.

Damilare and I hadn't talked for a year, I'm sure he didn't see the need to continue to be friends with a married woman who he happened to fall in love with.

The more months passed, the more it became harder to talk to him .
I couldn't help but imagine what his reaction would be if I'd reappear in front of him with a child.

I couldn't place what his face would look like or what his words would be.

He's probably moved on by now, maybe married another woman who might be pregnant with his child.

All these fears kept coming and I couldn't wave them off as I saw them as strong possibilities.

"You really have to make up your mind " I said slowly to myself staring blankly in the darkness.

His cry drew my attention to him as I reached for the vase and turned the light on.

"Awwn" I cooed at his face which remained cute even while he cried.

"Look who's trying so hard to get Mama's attention" I said holding him in my arms as he cried.

I put one breast in his crying mouth and that was all I needed to get him quiet.

I laughed at how quiet he had suddenly become.

"You don't allow mama sleep no more " I told him as he watched me, eyes widened while he suckled.

He looked at me like he was attentive ,not blinking even when he had the chance to.

I held him in that position until I was sure he was full.
He giggled at the funny faces I was making not bothering that his tiny voice was breaking the silence of the night.

He got bored as he started rubbing his eyes with his folded fists.

He was sleepy.

"That's the effect over feeding gives you " I smiled as I patted him to sleep.

It didn't take long and he was gone.
I smiled at my little joy as I thought of how I understood all his signs even without the words.

Motherhood was indeed interesting I thought as sleep found my eyes and I dozed off .

•°.                •°.                  •°.                  •°.

Waking early had become a new habit since Chi-nyelu.

No matter how late I slept, I still found myself waking early either from his cry or on my own impulse.

Chores in the house were not mine to do.

They weren't much and my mum had made it her new job since I gave birth.

Yes, she lived with me now.

Tolani would come around during weekdays and sleep over during weekends and it was a Saturday.

I sat up and looked at my baby.

Something about him felt strange.

I tickled him but he didn't react to it.

I knelt beside him watching his belly slowly, but it wasn't moving.

I touched him randomly searching for signs as my heart began beating fast in panic.

"Mum" I called out for she was in the next room.

"Mummy" I screamed this time with all energy.

"What is it?" She said running in, Tolani coming in shortly after.

"Chi-nyelu isn't breathing, he's not moving" I panicked.

"Jesus!!" She screamed as she ran towards me and took the baby from my hands.

She pinched him severally while Tolani and I watched expectantly.

He didn't move , she hit him calling his name like he would answer but there was no effect.

She held him closer to her chest uttering words that sounded clearly like prayers.

I saw the fear in her eyes which had been overshadowed now by tear drops.

She was scaring me and I didn't like that.

Tola and I looked at her for answers.

"Could he be dead?" Tola voiced her fear.

I looked at her sharply and then to my mum who was now sobbing with the baby still in her arms.

I took my child from her arms and wrapped him up in his shawl.

"Let's take him to the hospital" I said hurriedly as I made for the door.

They weren't following me.
My mum's silent sobs had turned to wails and Tolani was crying slowly and holding her close.

"I said let's go to the hospital!" I screamed this time holding back the tears that were forming.

They looked at me in pity.

They thought I didn't know, but I did.

Tola grabbed the keys as we made for the car.

I had my baby in hand wrapped up in a shawl while my mum sat next to me still sobbing like one in agony.

I held him close to my chest moving back and forth to calm my panicking self.

"Hang in there son, mummy's here for you" I uttered in almost a whisper.

Like that was all mum needed to break loose.
Her wails increased and so did her tears.
I could hear Tola sobbing in front while she drove.

The tears were coming but I fought them back clenching my teeth and sniffing at intervals , still moving back and forth like a wrickety chair with my baby in my arms.

"Look at me Chi-nyelu" I called out in a whisper again .
Blowing slowly on his forehead like that was going to work.

"Look at me , please" I begged this time on and on.

Tola couldn't hold it anymore as her sobs increased and tears began to cloud her vision while she drove.

I sat there singing to him all the lullabies mum had taught me to sing to him.
Still hoping that he would open his little eyes and stare at me.

          All I can say is Chai💔💔