The Last One (young justice/robin)

39. the nothingness

Then the ground rumbled from beneath me and I staggered backwards. My bare foot landed on the orange puddle, feeling the shards pierce my flesh. But I waited, quietly, patiently. 

I am so scared. 

The elevator leveled with the floor and I looked into each of their eyes. They were all faces I recognized, names I could remember. I knew them; I knew everything about them.

"You're awake!"

Yet, I felt nearly nothing for them.

"I-Iris?"

Nothing compared to the blind anger that consumed me at the sight of Dick Grayson.

"You..."

Why did it hurt so much just to look at him? Why did it burn my skin, and chip away at my soul?

Before I had realized it, I was fighting. I attacked people I considered my friends without warning, all up until I was standing in front of Dick and the edge of the bottle was inches from his neck.

I wanted to hurt him so badly; more than I have ever wanted to hurt anyone else in my life. But each time I thought I could finish it, I stopped. I remembered the happy girl in the photo, the same girl who I cannot fathom ever existed in the past. 

"Rens?"

"Who... who is—?"

They knocked me to the ground and pinned me there before I could finish.

Who is Irena? And how did she love you, before I hated you? 

Central City
June 8, 10:40 CDT

I was moved to a hospital in Central City after trying—or rather succeeding—to attack the team. Barry and Dinah took turns watching me in exchange for guard duty shifts on what they referred to as "The Warworld."

Visitors were not allowed, not until they could figure out what was wrong with me. Neither was television, books or phone calls.

Dinah claimed I needed "personal time to recover, no distractions." 

By distractions she meant nothing that could trigger my fight or flight, mostly fight. Hence, why my ankles were cuffed to the bed frame. 

"M'gann said that when she looked into your mind, it didn't seem like you've forgotten anything."

"I do not think..." I stopped, finding myself speaking Mayilean. I tried once more, struggling to push through in English, "I remember everything."

"So, then you understand who you are and who everyone else is?"

"Yes."

"Then help me understand what's changed."

Everything. Everything has changed. "I feel different."

"Different how?"

It was so hard to speak. Why was it so hard to release coherent thoughts? "I look at you and it is different."

Dinah waited.

"I know who you are. I know who you are to me. But I feel nothing about it," I said. "Whatever used to be there, it is small now."

"And you feel this with the rest of the team too?" Her brow furrowed. "Nothing?"

"Nothing."

"But seeing Nightwing triggered such a strong response in you. There had to be more than nothing when you saw him."

"I do not want to talk about Nightwing."

"Then let's talk about the woman who did this to you. Neretha, you called her?"

My heart grew heavier just at the sound of her name. "He killed her."

"Who killed her?"

"The red...hooded man."

"'The red hooded man'?" Her skepticism was apparent. "But this man set you free."

"He killed her." My eyes watered, unable to draw my attention away from the fact that she was gone. 

"Rena," she spoke carefully, "You've been conditioned to love, worship even, this woman who tortured you."

Love and torture feel the same to me, though. Maybe they always have.

"You're going to have to work very hard to understand that what you feel for her isn't real," Dinah said. "And that what you feel for Nightwing—the hate—that's not real either.

Central City

June 9, 14:28 CDT

If worrying about my mental was Dinah's job, then trying to restore my physical was Barry's. 

"That's it," he encouraged.

I was on the verge of sweating, trying to wrap my hand around the foam ball and squeeze. But when I grew tired, my hand gave out and the ball fell to the floor.

"That was good."

"That was pathetic," I sighed.

"You're body is healing at four times the rate of a human one," Barry said. "You're practically a semi-speedster."

"What if it never comes back?" I looked up at him. "My powers? What if I am stuck like this forever."

"Nonsense." Barry put a hand on my shoulder, "It'll take time, and it'll be frustrating, but it will come back."

"What about the rest of me?"

Barry's mouth opened to answer, but a soft knock sounded on the door.

"This should cheer you up." Barry got up from his seat, and began to speak to someone at the door. "You can't tell anyone I let you in here, kid."

"I know, Uncle Barry."

Wally stepped in, brightening as he met my eyes. 

"You have an hour. I'm trusting you not to kill him, Rena."

Barry stepped out, shutting the door behind him. Wally proceeded to drop into the seat next to my bed.

"You've looked better," he said uncomfortably. 

"I have felt better."

"What... what happened?"

"I was kidnapped on a mission."

"No, I know that part. I mean, what happened to you?"

"The woman who took me..." I began with difficultly, but slowly I told Wally everything. More than I had told anyone else. I admitted the most horrific, twisted things I thought and experienced in the past two months. I overshared everything I could remember and more, because I knew I was supposed to. 

I could not feel that attachment to Wally yet, but I knew it used to be there. The old Rena would have told Wally everything too. 

happy belated thanksgiving everyone. just an fyi there's only 1 more chapter left for this book, then the s3 and s4 portions will be published into a new book that you'll be able to find on my account. 
also if you were reading or were planning to read "so i fell in love with a superhero" it's currently unpublished and going through some very heavy editing. should be out in a couple weeks as winter break is coming up soon.
comment or message me about any questions or thoughts you have about this book or any of the others <3.

stay whelmed!
bevs.