Together [BL]

13

"Don't leave papa, mommy! Don't leave papa because of me!"

I stop in my tracks. I turn around and see her still glued onto you. She loves you more than she dislike me... I can't blame her for that. I wasn't around, and you clearly did a good job raising her.

"Mommy isn't leaving. Mommy will be in another room, doing some paperwork. Your papa can take you back. You can come visit mommy whenever you want."

I almost force another smile. I hate myself.

"Why can't mommy be more nice like uncle Noel?"

As I take another step away, the weakness in my chest plunges my entire body down. The only thing keeping me up is my grip onto the door knob. My vision is dark or a moment even though my eyes are wide open... Already? Why so soon?

"Leo!"

"Mommy!"

I hear your voices, but I must go. I cannot be around you two. So I stagger away in search for my medications—Why do I not remember where they are?

My chest is rising higher and falling lower. I hear how loud I breathe, and after each breath the next is louder.

Ah, yes. I place my medications in the drawer next to my bed. I come back to the bedroom. Since you both aren't there, I lean onto the bed and swallow some pills. I'm still breathing loudly, but the anxiety is going away...

I... I really didn't want my daughter to see me like this. I don't want anyone to ever see me like this. I must've look so terrifying like a monster. Who would want me as their parent? Who would want me as their spouse?

Everyday, I am destined to lie on this bed with medicine in my system, staring into the void and crying. I can't get anything done. I'm too busy caring for my health because I want to be in the same world as my daughter longer.

The blinds in my bedroom is opened from this morning and I can see that the sun is slowly setting. My stomach is growling from hunger, but wetness persists onto my vision.

I hear a knock, and the door cracks open a little. Your clear eyes land on me with much worry and care. You move closer. Your hand on my cheek. Your breath on my skin. Your words to me, "Does it hurt too much? Should I take you back to the hospital?"

"I'm okay... Does she think I'm scary? Crazy? A monster?"

"Why would you ask that?" You kiss the wet corners of my eyes, "She's sleeping in another room. Would you like to see her and hold her?"

I shake my head. Tears are still falling, "I don't want to scare her while she's sleeping."

"She still calls you mommy, she'll get over it." You climb onto the bed and wrap me into your arms, "Have you wonder why she's such a crybaby? She got it from you, Leo... She's just a crybaby, she doesn't hate you."

"I'm not a crybaby. I'm forty this year. And if I am a crybaby, why did she has to inherit that from me? Why can't she be more like you?"

You chuckle and kiss the temple of my head, "She did inherit her persistence and alpha trait from me, no? She's a boss even with me."

"So she really inherited our worst traits, didn't she?" I allow myself to lean on you. Your warmth stabilize my breathing. I feel at peace in your arms.

"She is our daughter." Your words falls on my face softly like snow.

We stay silent for a while, snuggling against each other. It feels right, and yet I also feel guilty. I make many attempts to say, "Noel is waiting for you to return. You should leave."

"Why are you bringing up Noel?"

"Because while I was gone, he's the one who helped raise our daughter... We allowed him into our lives. We can't just ignore him now that we're like this. You'll have to choose—"

"I choose you, Leo. I chose you long ago."

I push myself away from you. I don't know how to convey this overwhelming guilt I felt. I look into your sad eyes, "I'm sorry that I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I woke up abruptly and destroy your normal. It's—I feel guilty. That person, Noel, he spends so many hours on you and our daughter and yet you're choosing me over him because I gave birth to our daughter. I have never spent that many hours on either of you. I don't deserve to be chosen over him."

"It's my choice to choose you."

"You don't get it." I get up to clear my mind. I haven't thought about this enough to fully convey what I'm feeling.

"Leo..."

When I open the door wider, I see a little person moves to block my path. Her eyes narrow and her lips are pucker to one side.

"May I go over there?" I ask.

"Stop leaving my papa! Stop making my papa sad! I hate you!"

"It's only fair that you hate me." I couldn't look at her eyes and simply walk pass her.

Her little hands snatch my pants and tug at it, "I hate you! I hate you! Why are you so mean? If I could have your place in papa's heart, I wouldn't make him sad... You... You are so mean..."

I look up to see your complicated expression. The I look down at her. She reaches up, so I take her in my arms. I wipe away her tears and rub her back. If I can't even convey my guilt to you, how do I expect to explain myself to her?

"Mommy... Mommy..." She sobs on my neck.

"Mommy is here. Mommy won't be going anywhere," I hug her as we sit on the bed with you.

"Promise?" She pushes herself back a little and pouts expectantly. "Mommy promise to stay with me and papa forever?"

I turn to see the same exact expression on your face. Like father, like daughter. The words struggle to come out, "I—Mommy can't make that promise. But for now, mommy is here with you and papa."

"Why? Why can't mommy promise me?" Her eyes darken, and I can see that the tears are coming back.

"Leo, are you going to make her cry again?" Your hands slip under my arms and hug both our daughter and me. Your weight leans heavy over me, "Why do you feel guilty being with the people who love you and want your company?"