Finding You

Chapter 12 - On Wednesdays We Wear Pink

I think I love him.

I don't know when it happened, but that must be what it is. That must be why I put up with all of this.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before responding, steadying myself for the repercussions of my answer.

"Okay," I reply, letting out the breath I seemed to be holding for ages.

"Really? Oh my God, thank you," he says, leaning in and hauling me to his chest. "I promise, I won't let you regret it," he says into my hair.

I thought I'd feel relieved being back in his arms, that I'd feel better once things were resolved and we could be us again, but I don't.

I feel panicked.

"You better not," I reply, hugging him back.

"I won't," he says, pulling away, hands still gripping my waist. "I swear."

Without warning, he leans down and presses his lips to mine, hard.

We've kissed many times since that first one, and still I feel nothing every single time. I don't know how I can love him and feel nothing when we kiss, but somehow, I manage.

He moves his lips too quickly, and I struggle to keep up. When his tongue skims my bottom lip, seeking entrance, I decide to grant it. Before I know it, we're full on making out.

If nothing else, his kiss is familiar, safe almost, so I lean into him and place my hands on his chest, feeling his pectoral muscles beneath my hands.

We kiss for what feels like too long before finally pulling away. He leans his forehead on mine, his eyes closed.

"I love you," he says. "You know that, right?"

I want to believe that he means it, I do. But there's a part of me that knows there's no way he could.

He said it too quickly. We'd only been going out for a month when he dropped the L word on me. I don't think he even knows what love is.

If he did, he wouldn't treat me the way he does.

All of these thoughts run through my mind before I respond with an answer I'm not sure if I mean either.

"I love you too."

*Flashback Ends*

As I stare into the school's bathroom mirror and adjust my uniform, I allow myself to remember that moment.

That moment that could have saved me a lot of trouble had I made a different choice that day. If I had kept my resolve, if I had finally put my foot down and said no, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in today.

It was stupid to take him back, I know that now. All it did was set the precedent for him to think he could do anything, and I would still be there, waiting. And every time, I proved him right.

I did think I loved him. That was true, but now I know that wasn't why I took him back. In the back of my mind, I think I may have always known the real reason...

I was scared to be alone.

It's a hard truth to admit to yourself, and it's been difficult to live with all the disappointment I have for how I handled things back then.

It's been hard, but ever since Hunter showed up, it's been a little easier. Everything seems easier with him actually.

After that first week, time's been passing by so quickly. I walk to school with Hunter, go to class, run my lungs out at practice, and then walk home again with Hunter. It's strange how quickly someone can become a part of your routine. Hunter is even getting along well with all my friends, and we've been getting closer and closer everyday.