Taste of Melanin

Hallucination

Trigger Warning ⚠️
Mentions/ depictions of attempted suicide
...

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December 12th, 2019 | 3:07 PM | Westfield, Minnesota
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"And I just can't stop thinking about her. Every time I think about it, I just..." River trailed off, his eyes teary, as he stared at the cream wall in front of him.

"It could be your mind unconsciously grasping at what saved you." Dr. Newman pointed out as he finished writing something on the notepad in his lap.

River allowed his large body to sink further into the couch as the words of his therapist faded to a low hum and the lights in the room became hazy. His mind replayed the event.

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February 6th, 2017 | 12:15 AM | Westfield, Minnesota
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"Hello?" The sleep riddled voice of his mother croaked into the phone.

River sat on the cold bathroom tiles, his cheeks stained with tears and snot falling to his chin. "Hi, ma."

"What do you want? It's past midnight." She groaned as he heard rustling on the other end.

No words came from his mouth yet his mind raced with pleas for her to save him. He had no strength to open his mouth, instead allowing the sting of tears to wash over him as he leaned his head back against the wall.

"Whatever. Call me in the morning, you're probably drunk."

"Ma," he croaked yet was met with the beeping of a dropped call, "ma!"

Sobs racked his body so fiercely his breathing stopped and he could only grab his chest. As he opened his mouth to scream for his mother again, no words escaped and he curled into a ball on the floor.

No one cares. All the friends he'd tried to call hadn't even answered the phone. His own mother couldn't hear the wavering of his voice as he fought back tears. He was all alone.

The inescapable sorrow that sat in his spine for months only seemed to grow each day, going unnoticed by those closest to him. River was drowning and no one could save him- not even himself.

A determination fueled his movements as he sat up and pulled the pocket knife from his pants. Through his tears he could see the glint of the metal as he folded the blade open. The shaking in his hands and loud sobs bubbling up from his gut caused the knife to fall in between his legs.

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" He cried as he beat against his legs.

With a final decision, he picked the knife up once more and brought it to his left wrist. The pain that seared up his forearm caused him to cry out yet his arm seemed to move on its own as he dragged the blade to his elbow.

Red marred the floor beneath him and his head finally became clear as he eyed the open flesh. River had never become so overcome with emotion as a deep regret clawed from his toes and out his mouth- a whispered no the only byproduct.

His mind raced as his fingers grabbed the wound to attempt to stop it from bleeding. The large fingers hardly stopped it, his arm becoming soaked as it poured between them. Attempting to stand proved fruitless as he only slipped on the puddle beneath him.