TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

16

"Do you want me to go there?"

He responded with only silence. I repeated the same question, and maybe it was bothersome for him to have someone meet him at what could have been one of the lowest points of his life. I urged him to send me the address. Jungkook refused at first but I was stubborn.

By the time I arrived, I spotted him at once, sitting like a loner by the glass walls as the sight of him relieved the pressure of the anxiety that had begun crushing my mind. Nobody else was staying inside other than the cashier who unenthusiastically greeted me and Jungkook who had not yet seen my arrival. I grabbed a steamed bun cake and coffee milk before paying at the counter.

Slumped in a stool, Jungkook was hunched over a huge bowl of ramyeon, wearing a gray hoodie that looked huge on him. He seemed as if he had been crying although his hair was covering his eyes.

"What happened? Jungkook, you can tell me," I said in a low tone as I occupied the seat across from him. Jungkook automatically stiffened at the sound of my voice.

He didn't say anything, and for a long time he just looked down at his food, slurping his noodles until he seemed to break down his walls and his shoulders started to shake uncontrollably. Jungkook failed to control himself and cried, the back of his hand rapidly running across his eyes.

"Hey..."

"I want to quit," he choked on his words.

A wave of panic washed over me. "Quit what?"

"Give up my surgical residency in Severance and work somewhere else. There's -- there's a lot of jobs for medical graduates without residency."

I was alarmed by the sudden confession so I leaned forward, taking a frantic breath. "Hey... Look at me. Can we talk about that a little bit?" I wondered whether what I was thinking was right but I ended up cupping his cheeks, and Jungkook looked at me with raw, bloodshot eyes. "That's a tough decision to make. You have to think about it really hard. Listen, you're almost done with second year residency. Let's hang in there, okay?"

He shook his head. "What if this is not for me? What if I'm a little late on figuring out that I'm not really meant to be a doctor and that explains why I keep messing up?" he said quietly.

I reassured him quickly. "Who fed you this idea that you're messing up? You're doing great--"

Jungkook could not repress his whimpers. "You haven't seen me work--"

"But I know you a little to say you're good at what you're doing. Have you not heard about the stories going around the hospital saying that you're easy to work with? You were a bright student. You achieved a lot--"

"I just got lucky. I don't deserve those achievements you're talking about."

I let out a weak sigh before swallowing hard to ease the constriction in my throat. "Why are you being too hard on yourself?"

"Soohyun..." He sobbed in his hands, his chest heaving up and down. "I'm not as great as what everybody thinks. I-I am not good enough, and I feel... I feel sorry for all the people who expect a lot from me because I will never be that person."

I spoke with a stillness in my voice, "I don't know why you're thinking that way, but can you not invalidate yourself? People will always expect something from us, and often they're too unrealistic to reach. But do you just make things happen to live up to their expectations? What does satisfy you?"

"What if all this time I've been thinking high of myself that I missed to see I am a fraud?" I wish I could magically conjure up the answer. I stared at his pale face. Despite the cold weather, beads of sweat were sticking on the sides of his forehead.

I groaned inwardly. Jungkook was perceived as the student who worked twice as hard to be half as good, and always went straight for his goals and these things might have kept him thinking he will never be good enough. But over the past years, I had never witnessed him being less proud of what he had achieved and he had usually walked with confidence upon his shoulders. Something went wrong.

"Most of us aren't geniuses but you're making a lot of progress that others can't see because they look out for every mistake you'll do. You'll eventually find a way to get through work and sort things out... Is your attending giving you a hard time?"

"It's probably my fault... He's always been a perfectionist and I'm working really hard."

"Exactly. You work hard and that's enough... Why don't you talk about this to anyone?"

"I'm scared that if I said these things out loud, I would find out these had been true all along."

"Do you remember your graduation speech? You emphasized that you had always wanted to be a surgeon. Look, you're halfway there. It's impossible not to feel anxious and doubt yourself, you know? You have to consider everything before you can announce you're leaving this... And if you end up realizing this is really not for you, that's when you should start to do something about it. Give it a little more time. You're doing very well."

He kept crying, shaking his head. I reached across the table and held his hands as he cried; he felt so cold and it moved in to meet the warmth of my blood. Jungkook was mumbling 'I can't', 'I'm not good enough', 'I'm sorry', and other words that added heft in my chest over and over again.

I gave him time. I let him talk of whatever came on his mind. A few times he seemed to not breathe properly while trying to make as little noise as possible. When I caught the cashier staring at us with confusion, she turned away and pretended to be busy behind the cash register until a couple of students walked in. I stood up and went to buy a bottle of water, later handing it to Jungkook. He accepted and dabbed his tear-streaked face.

"You have snot in your nose," I said out of the blue.

Jungkook hiccupped. "Really?"

"You're with a gorgeous lady and it will be embarrassing on your part if people walk up and see the huge difference between us."

To my surprise, Jungkook let out a feeble laugh, then another hiccup. "Conceited..." He slipped his hanky out and wiped his nose. "Thank you for coming here and listening to me. I feel like I've been bothering you way more than I should so I'm sorry-"

"Stop feeling sorry all the time. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yeah, thank you."

Both of us had our heads turned to gaze out of the glass walls, deep in thinking as we watched strangers and vehicles pass by. There was a long silence that followed. I had not heard him talk since then.

》AUTHOR'S NOTE《

i wrote this when i was feeling anxious about uni so if there are parts that don't make sense, pls forgive me :"( my classes will start tomorrow. T_T