But I Admired You

2. Acrophobia - fear of heights

Most of my classes were on the first floor, except one. The eighth floor doesn't seem like too much of a big deal out of context, but for me, it was. After a sequence of bad experiences, as how most of these things happen, I was terrified of high places.

It was hard to just force myself to walk towards the stairs. I had started squeezing my hands tight around the straps of my bag. My steps had gotten slower, more reluctant. I kept peering back to look for an excuse to leave. Despite this, I made it to the first step.

I told myself if I would just take it one at a time, I would be fine. As long as I was careful, nothing bad could happen to me. But that was a lie. The staircase could collapse under the weight of all the students. Someone could trip me. Someone could push me. I could miss a step. Which each possible scenario, the anxiety became stronger.

The stairs were so narrow. The railing was so low. It was an accident waiting to happen. I couldn't even look at the railing without retching, but I couldn't make a scene like this. There were too many people. It was too late to walk back downstairs.

Even being halfway there, I was getting too dizzy. I had slowed down and the people around me were squirming their way past me, eventually leaving me by myself.

All of the effort was worthless. I was already late and not even on the right floor yet. I was defeated by a staircase. I dropped my stuff on the stairs and sat down next to it. I dragged my hands down my face in frustration.

"Shouldn't you be in class?"

I popped up. The sound of my head hitting the railing resonated throughout the stairwell. I heard footsteps coming from the stairs from above me.

"Dr. Crane?" I said, finally seeing him.

"Sitting on the stairs is no way to get any work done," he said, walking past me.

"I'm not really choosing to do this."

"Who's forcing you?" he asked. When I didn't answer, he stopped. "Aren't you a little old to have a fear of heights like this?"

"I never said I was afraid."

"You didn't have to."

He started walking again. I didn't respond to him and he didn't say another word. Not too long after, I heard the door close, leaving me alone again.

Not only did I waste my time going up here, I had to walk back down. At least with each step I'd be closer to the first floor.

It was pathetic how much quicker the trip down was than the trip up. Now I was left mindlessly wandering around the campus. It wasn't just the fear that was pathetic. I was pathetic.

Without time to react, I was sent stumbling back, sending papers flying. Before I actually knew what had happened, I stuttered an apology.

"How could you not see me?" the girl in front of me exclaimed. She gestured to all of the stuff on the ground. None of it was mine. I shook my head a bit.

"I guess wasn't paying attention," I said. She crouched down and frantically grabbed at the papers before they could fly way. I felt kind of guilty, but I wasn't sure what to do. She would be done before I could start to help, but I couldn't just watch her pick everything up. There was nothing I could do. So I just left.

I knew I wasn't doing anything "wrong", but as I kept walking away from her, I wanted to rip out my hair. Why didn't I care enough to help?

This year was already off to a bad start with the day's first impressions. With all the tacky stories, college was supposedly where you discover yourself. All I was discovering was that I was a piece of shit.